The Back Burner

It's been a loooong day, somewhat emotional, I'm on Estrace AND Prometrium at the moment, and I've had a glass of wine.

I guess that means I am claiming I am not responsible for what I type, or at least not completely.  :)  Just warning ya.

Back to the Prometrium.  Dr. K at NEDC/Southeastern Fertility (SF from here on out) put me on it for 5 days total starting last Tuesday to induce a period since being on Estrace in prep for my medical clearance appointment apparently confuses my body to the point that it doesn't know what day of the month it is any more.

Prometrium is progesterone in a concentrated form, either pill or in oil (PIO) that you have to give yourself in a shot, or even suppository that you have to administer you know where three times a day.  Thankfully I'm on the pill form for now.  Once I start prep for the actual FET in September, I will be on both the pill form and the shot form.  My butt is going to be angry, even more so than previous IVFs, because if my assumption is correct I have at least one PIO a day, perhaps two (??).  I'll get my protocol at the end of August and will know more then how often I'll be shooting up (well, Hubby will be the one administering it).

It's a small price to pay to hopefully get and hopefully stay pregnant.  IF I do get pregnant with 3Day Embaby, I will continue the PIO and pill form through the first trimester and possibly once a week through the rest of the pregnancy since there is some evidence that PIO one time a week for the duration of a pregnancy can help keep preterm labor at bay.  Awful and a pain in the butt (hahaha - I laugh at the pun, not the pain) but again, a small price to pay to keep 3Day going.  I HOPE I am privileged enough to get to endure the torture of PIO long term.

None of this is really here or there, however.

What I wanted to write about is that Hubby and I have tabled embryo adoption for now.  It's pretty much on the same level of another IVF at this point.  It's probably not that big of surprise considering my last blog.

It comes down to several factors.  

Pregnancy for me, has been miserable.  If it's the only way to grow our family, well, I'm willing to do about anything to make that happen - even be pregnant.  But who am I kidding?  I don't like the idea.  It terrifies me.  And I can see myself being terrified the entire time I am pregnant, if I get to that point.  

Part of what makes pregnancy miserable is the drugs it takes for me to stay pregnant.  I didn't realize that before because all of my pregnancy experience has been tied up with IVF.  And the injectable drugs that IVF requires are so awful in and of themselves, that I couldn't tell if any of the non-injectable drugs (like Progesterone - in any of its forms - or Estrace) were either adding to my misery or not.  

Now that I'm prepping for a FET and I don't have the injectables, but all of the other drugs in their various forms, I can tell that Estrace and Prometrium are not nice to my body.  At all.  Migraines, lethargy, exhaustion, stomach aches (more like shooting pains), nausea and vomiting are all common occurrences of the past couple of days.  The Estrace gave me a migraine for the first 5 days I was on it. I got used to it, but I have many more headaches than normal.  The progesterone is the stomach issue culprit.  And is causing the dizziness and lethargy.  

I can push through it and I did today (yesterday is another day I am glad I don't have to live through), but do I want to pay $12K+ to do this to myself?  Especially if I have a newborn and toddler to care for?  I'm starting to think not.

All of that, combined with my fear of pregnancy, plus the potential to pay so much money and not get pregnant, the risk for multiples, and the possibility of being on bed rest has me wanting to put off any kind of embryo adoption until Z and Kumquat are both older, we're settled in our own house with no moves on the horizon, and I'm in a better position to handle the negative side effects of pregnancy.

If push comes to shove and embryo adoption is the only option down the road for us to have our third kid, then we'll seriously look at it.  But at this point, I'd rather pay for another domestic infant adoption, even if it costs 3 times as much as embryo adoption, if it means I will be a better parent to Z and Kumquat.  And not have to go through the trauma that has been pregnancy, at least in my experience.  It's one thing to use our own embryos that we already have and deal with a pregnancy that hopefully results, versus going out and chasing down someone else's embryos and paying a ton of money to try to get pregnant.  

(And the part that gets me is that often these embryos have been created using donor sperm or donor eggs or both, so even an open adoption agreement is not going to mean that a child resulting from embryo adoption is going to know who or have a relationship with their biological parents, as donor records are completely sealed.  Maybe they will know one part of their biology, but probably not both, and possibly neither.  Open adoption agreements are a lot of money to pay to get to know the family that paid for someone else's sperm and/or eggs. It still won't give the child the complete connection that they crave, so I don't see why we couldn't just go the route of anonymous.  Anyone else see my point of view?)

So where does that leave us with our own FET with our own Day 3 embaby?  Still set for September.  This year.  

Hubby and I have had lots of in depth discussions in the past couple of days and he really wants to move ahead this September with our Day 3 because my CA-125 is normal, which means my endo is not a problem, at least for now.  I do not want to have to undergo a fourth lap in prep for this transfer down the road.  I am the healthiest I have ever been since we started TTCing and his argument is to seize upon that wholeheartedly.  He knows my reservations, should I end up pregnant, and the grief we'll go through if it doesn't work.  He also promised that if my heart is set on three kids and our embryos don't survive, we will save up and go for third adoption in a couple of years.  

While being pregnant with a newborn and a toddler is not "ideal" right now, given my fears of pregnancy in general, the issues with being on medicine that makes me sick even when I'm not pregnant, and the potential for bed rest or other complications, I learned a long time ago that life is not going to work out how I planned, timing wise or in most other ways for that matter.  What matters is that we are in this together as a team, we will joyfully find a way to make it work if we do end up pg, and it doesn't matter how hard it will be. Whatever obstacles we will face, we will deal with them gladly and they will be worth it to bring home a baby.  Heck, I wish I could put into words just how much I hope we get to be in the position of dealing with an "inconvenient" pregnancy, lol, as in our case there would never be such a thing!