I made a decision

I am not going to worry until there is something to worry about.

It sounds simple enough, and it works.  But it takes effort.

But it's worth it.

I am not going to worry about complications with embryo adoption until one, I am pregnant, and two, I have complications.  I am not going to be stupid or take unnecessary and foolish risks, but I am not going to live in fear either.

I've analyzed all sides of the issue to death and still feel like the potential for a good outcome is worth the risks involved.  

I've gotten many doctors' opinions from my primary care physician to several specialists, including high risk OBs and they think I'll be fine.  I've been assured over and over that there is nothing about the loss of our triplets that should be repeatable statistically.  And there is nothing about my body that caused the loss of our babies.  I don't have an incompetent cervix or some other issue that could or would prevent me from carrying a pregnancy to term.

Of course no one can guarantee me a take home baby or an easy enjoyable pregnancy.  But all I have to do is look at my daughter to know that though the road may be scary and I may only be able to take one step at a time, she was worth every risk and every terrifying moment of the journey to her.

I trust God, I trust my doctors and I trust my instinct.  And that is really what it comes down to.    

Matthew 6:

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdomand his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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I wonder...

Using Hubby's iPad to type this. Pardon the mistakes. This post has gross girl stuff in it. You are warned. The flight to visit Nov Baby's FM was rather uneventful. We got to where we're staying around 2 am. That's when things got interesting. Z wanted nothing to do with the crib and worked herself into a frenzy that included vomiting all over me, the bed, the crib, herself, the floor, etc. Even after cleaning everything up, she was still upset no matter the soothing techniques we tried. Long story short, she ended lying in bed with me while Hubs slept on the couch for 3 hours - we in the bed didn't sleep but at least we were quiet enough for Hubby to get some shut eye. After he left for work, I managed to get Z to sleep in her crib for another three hours, during which I think I slept about an hour. She's taking a nap now, thankfully. I probably should too. Except of course I'm not. Last nights escapades combined with me bleeding again from lifting too much weight - Z plus luggage - during this trip has me thinking thoughts I need to get out of my head. Bright red spotting. And cramping like hell. I hope I haven't done anything too awful to my poor girl bits. So I'm laying as low as I can with a toddler in tow. Makes me wonder though, if I'm absolutely insane to consider trying to get pregnant in whatever way. Because its impossible to lay low right now with only one kid. How about with two, right??? Am I crazy? It's easy to dream big when you feel well, and much easier to see potential physical limitations and/or disaster looming when you aren't. I hate that pregnancy for me may very well mean needing to plan for the worst case scenario. I hate that it makes me feel like I have to choose between reality and deep seeded dreams. I hate that it draws a circle of isolation around me and makes me endlessly chase myself in my head. I hate that it represents a significant gamble. I hate that my chasing my dreams terrifies so many others. And I hate the memories of feeling much like I do now, even when I was blissfully ignorant of the outcome I was facing. Seriously, I feel like I'm pregnant with triplets again. Triplets in the second trimester is comparable to having pretty significant abdominal surgery, in case you were wondering. Mostly like your body is ripping apart from the inside out. The pain & cramps seem the same now & then. And I can imagine very well that this may be how I feel if I ever get pregnant again - miserable. And that scares me. What for so many is one of the most exciting times of their lives is for me a huge source of worry, cautious planning, and potential disaster. I find myself constantly turning to Hubby and asking him if we can do this, if I'm crazy, if we can survive the future no matter what it holds. I'm scrambling for reassurance. I hate the fear and the doubt that I can't do this, have it all. I wonder if this fear should be heeded or if I should brush it aside. After all, I had similar debilitating doubts about adoption and I'm very glad I didn't listen to those. Am I just processing deeper elements of a serious trauma I barely survived? Is this part of a very necessary healing process? Or am I trying to tell myself subconsciously that I'm headed for disaster again? And worst of all, I hate feeling like if I don't try, I will regret it for the rest of my life, but if I go for it and it only ends in more loss, that I will only have myself to blame from this point forward. After all, I knew the risks & still took the plunge. See why sleep eludes me? I think that no matter how we proceed, there are always going to be fears and the potential for regrets. I have never wished for hindsight so badly going into something as big as trying for another baby via pregnancy. And I guess it's easier for me to over analyze this part of life than spend my time worrying about our current adoption in the works. Not that there is much to worry about as we have to wait until November for the baby to be born for papers to be signed. Maybe I just like to worry?

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Random Bits

I put a page of abbreviations up at the top bar for anyone who is wondering what I'm talking about when I use them in this blog, as I frequently do.  Thank you to my reader who put in the request, as I meant to do it ages ago.  :)  If you notice I left any out, please point them out and I will add them to the list.  Thanks.

I apologize if I come across as bitter whenever I talk about infertility.  I'm not really that bitter, overall. More frustrated than anything.  I am still mad about our losses: the babies that we lost, the time that we've lost, the energy we've lost, the ability to feel free and able to take on other adventures like traveling, etc.  Those are things I can't get back.  And I get mad now and again that we are still fighting what feels like an continuously uphill battle.  Wanting a large family when you have infertility can be the pits sometimes, especially if you have limited financial means.  And I get tired of constantly analyzing the timing of everything.  I mean, nothing has worked out in the timing department yet when it comes to kids.  And as my mom says, if you wait for the right time to have kids, you'll never have them.  Which is true.  At least when it comes to having more.  My point of view, which sometimes gets invalidated by the threat of potentially being put on bed rest should we get pregnant ever again, is lets jump in and get this thing done.  But it's never as easy as that, is it?  Even when everything is on track.  Sigh.

We took Z to a horse farm today.  It's actually a particular one that is contracted with the DoD to provide horse therapy with wounded vets and returning soldiers.  The horses, then, are known for their gentleness.  I wasn't sure if Z was old enough or tall enough or weighed enough to ride, and even if she met their criteria, I wasn't sure she would be up to getting on one of the large beasts and going for a walk.  Lo and behold, the kiddo LOVES horses (it's inherited from her birth mom, I'm sure, who used to ride as a girl back in the day) like she loves dancing (another inherited birth mother trait who was very much into ballet).  The older kids were all screaming and crying, but not Z.  She walked right up the ramp, let the lady put her on the horse, looked at her daddy for reassurance which she received in spades, and then proceeded to walk not just once, but twice around the little riding arena.  She was bouncing and bobbing up and down, smiling and pushing her toddler bike helmet up out of her eyes.  At one point she held onto the saddle handles with one hand and was waving at everyone and grinning from ear to ear.  Somehow I caught a photo of that priceless moment.  The child is amazing.  And a total character.  I love every square inch of her, from the tips of her toes to the top of her head to the moon and back.  I shall post pics.  Truly.  Next post.

I made granola and need to make banana bread to take with me so I have food to eat next week on our travels. Gonna enjoy the cooler weather, the beach, and take lots of photos, even if it's only for two days.

Did I mention I got a new camera?  It's a Panasonic Lumix ZS-20, which is the same as the ZS-19 except it has the GPS function which I have turned off.  I love the zoom, how quickly the flash recharges, and the speed at which I can take photos.  The reason that I got it and that I'm very happy with it is that it takes great photos in lower light, which my first panasonic lumix did well, but my second did not.  And the 40x zoom??  Brilliant.  The camera is the total package when it comes to a small pocket size digital camera taking great photos of small children in constant motion in a variety of environments.

Z is a coloring fiend.  She loves crayons, sitting at her Little Tike's classic style table (which I got partially because of my own fond memories with that style), and coloring.  Sticker books are a new love, too.  Although all of the above only captures her attention for a few mere moments, it's certainly more than anything we've given her to play with in the past.  And she doesn't care if she colors in a coloring book or on paper.  Now I just need to teach her not to throw her crayons when she's mad...

And that's it for random bits today.  Hope you all had a lovely weekend.  :)

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Summary

I keep writing blogs but somehow I can't publish them.  Maybe it's because some of the sentiments in them are too raw, they expose too much emotion?

Anyways, Hubs and I over the last weekend created another portfolio and submitted it barely in time (thank you FedEx for screwing up overnight shipping) to a birth mother due in September.  We weren't matched but that turned out to be somewhat of a relief in all ways, as this particular adoption is set to be quite messy financially, emotionally, etc.

But it did get us all thinking.  About how many babies we want at once, how difficult it is going to be if I manage to get pregnant but am put on bed rest, how crazy we are willing to let this life get, etc.

That on top of recovering from surgery made us rethink some of our plans and the basics are that we aren't going to try to get pregnant this fall on top of adopting November Baby.  That will be put off until after we bring him/her home.  It's not ideal ever to be on bed rest no matter how many kids you have.  But it is what it is, if that happens and we'll just work it out.

We are heading out this weekend to the other ocean to meet with our birth mom.  I am looking forward to much cooler temps and I need to do some major baking so that I have food.  We are going to a pony farm this afternoon with Z.  And we're still keeping our initial meeting with NEDC next month.

I think that is it for now.  

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So. Much. Better.

Thank you for all of the prayers!

I am starting to feel like I've joined the land of the living!  It's nice to be back.

I've only had 1 ibuprofen and 1 percosset, so I'm definitely making progress on weaning off the happy pills.

That, drinking mainly only full pulp orange juice, taking gut-please-function pills religiously 3 times a day, and perhaps humiliating my colon by outing him (are colons male or female??) in the blogging world as a stubborn jerk who needed to get his butt in gear, and prayer of course, has all combined to make me a much happier girl.  There were a couple of hours here and there throughout the first week post-surgery where if relief had waited a second or two longer to come, I was taking my sorry self to the ER to find out if someone accidentally glued my large intestine closed or something.

All's well that ends well.

I want to give a huge shout out to my mother who has been a huge help with everything house and child related while I recover.  I have no idea how I would have gotten on without her.  All I know is that if I'm ever pregnant in the future and placed on bed rest, she has to come back for the duration of that endeavor.  She's indispensable.

On top of recovering, Hubby and I have been working on a semi-secret project this entire past weekend.  It was all consuming and nearly pushed me over the edge a couple of times, but I am pleased with the end result and I hope it brings the results we want.  We will know by the end of the week and then I promise, whether it turns out well or not, I will reveal all.  Complete with pictures.  Because I am just that proud of our handiwork.

Hubby had a good Father's Day, complete with nap.

And that is all to report for now.

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Good Days and Bad Days

I'm still recovering.

I cannot believe how much the wind was sucked out of my sails with this surgery.  It feels surreal, like my guts were hacked up with a machete or something.

Seriously, all they took out was a tiny tube that was diseased.  That should make me feel better with its absence, not like I had procedure worse than a c-section.

Cue frustration.

Right now every other day is good, and every other day is bad.  And my issues revolve around the toilet.  I don't know what was done to my large intestine but it is flat out rebelling against everything.  And by rebelling, I mean refusing to work practically at all.  Stupid Colon.

A good day, where I feel chipper and in no pain can turn into an entirely awful day in a moment if I have to do more than just pee.  After I manage to go, I usually want to pass out from abdominal pain - which only gets worse with the going, for some reason.  The rest of the day is spent recovering on the couch.

And it's not like I'm popping pain pills galore.  I am down to two percosset a day.  One in the morning after my guts kick me in the butt, and one before bed.  And maybe two 600mg ibuprofen eight hours apart.  Hardly a lot of medication, considering the pain I feel.  And I'm taking Colace religiously at least two times a day.

The thing is, I'm terrified to take anything more with codeine in it since that's what causes blockages and apparently I have enough trouble with that on my own.  I'm not eating badly either.  No gluten, dairy, soy, etc.  Lots of veggies and not many carbs.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

But if things continue down this path, I'm going to have to go back to the doctor before my post-op on Thursday and try to find out why I am having such an awful time.  

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Survived

I survived the surgery.

It took the 7-8 surgeons and doctors working on me about 5 hours.  I was not expecting it to be that big of a deal.

Hubby keeps telling me that my recovery is the worst I've had because one, the surgery was so long, and two, they did so much to me.  They even kept me overnight, a total first for me for a laparoscopy.

Only my left tube was removed as my right tube looked really good and healthy.  I heard I had a lot of adhesions and scar tissue removed, which is partially what took so long.  And why I'm so miserable this side of things.

I have 3 new scars and my belly button was ripped a new one, lol.  Total of 13 cuts/scars on my poor abused abdomen, not to mention the 3 incisions in my belly button, one on top of the other.

Recovery this time is miserable.  Absolutely miserable.  Everything makes me nauseated, my guts are at whole new levels of pissed off, and the pain meds don't seem to do a dang thing except screw with my intestines.  The only thing I have in my favor is that I can pee normally.  In all of my past surgeries it took me weeks to get to where I am already in that department.  But the rest of it?  I feel like I got hit by a mac-truck in my chest and abdomen and back.

One of my surgeons told me that my diaphragm was probably really bruised by all of the air they had to pump in to see properly.  It's finally working its way out through my shoulders.

So if I'm absent from here, it's because I got my butt majorly handed to me this time around.

I'm done with surgery, if I can help it.

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Surgery Today

The wedding was beautiful!  So glad we got to go and hang out with so many great friends that we rarely see.  The goodbyes, as always, were bittersweet.

I got sick (contaminated from gluten at a supposedly gluten free restaurant - another story for another time) and have been fighting a fever, severe sore throat, and the general I've been hit by a truck feeling that gluten inflicts on me.  Yesterday I was certain my surgery would be cancelled, but today my fever is gone and most of the pain, except for my throat getting rawer by the moment.

I leave for the hospital in a few moments and ask for your prayers for intubation to go smoothly despite my very sore throat, continued no fever, easy surgery, and no Essure (you can google that to find out what the procedure is).  Also for an easy recovery.  I'm nervous about that since gluten invariably messes with my ability to heal.  Also my brother and father fly to Kenya today.  Hubby is taking them to the airport while my mom takes me to the hospital.  Hubs should be back in time for my actual surgery and will swap vehicles, roles, and child with my mom who will come back home with Z.  I'm guessing I will be out of it for a while.

Thank you for your prayers - past and present!

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Ready, Set, Surgery!

Pre-op went well today.  The doctors, nurses, admin people are so nice at the hospital I where I am getting the operation.

I had a saline sonogram and have a beautiful uterus, at least on the inside.  Happy day that at least one piece of my reproductive equipment is in good shape.  And if one piece is what I get, the inside of my uterus is the one I would opt for.

Please be praying that I will be able to at least have my tubes cut from the outside and not have to have tubal ligation surgery.  There is potential for tubal ligation to mess with my ability to keep a pregnancy, but there is a bigger risk of my inflamed tubes terminating a pregnancy before it even begins.  Tubal ligation is the last resort, so I'm hoping that at a minimum, my docs can at least find my tubes and detach them from my uterus, even if they can't get the tubes out of my body because they are glued to too many organs with scar tissue.

It's the one thing I'm nervous about and I won't know what's been done until I wake up.

Thanks!

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Today's post brought to you by the number 3

-3 IUIs
-3 IVFs
-3 lost pregnancies
-3 pelvic surgeries
-3 dental surgeries
-triplet pregnancy
-seeing my 3rd RE
-3 adoptions
-3 best friends
-3 major food allergies
-3 active blogs
-3 tickets from cops
-been in 3 car accidents
-lived on 3 continents
-lived in 3 countries
-owned 3 laptops
-owned 3 cell phones
-dated 3 guys before my hubby
-always wanted 3 kids
-changed my college major 3 times
-gone to 3 accredited schools

And that's just what I can think of off the top of my head.

3 is my number, for better or worse.

What's yours?

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From HSG to Surgery

This morning was my HSG.  I wasn't sure what I would see, exactly, and I told myself I would settle for a left tube that did not spasm.

I got a whole heap more than that.

At first I couldn't believe it but my left tube appeared not to be blocked at all.

Cue jaw dropping and stammering and swearing up and down that it was in the last HSG.

Huh.

And my right tube, well, it was blowing up like a ballon instead of the usual neat little squiggly line in my last two HSGs.  It was able to drain some, but not much.

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Christmas...in June??

I'm not sure where to even start this post.  It has been one crazy day of goodness and I'm struggling to grasp all that is being lavished on us.  I'm not used to this many awesome amazing blessings in one heap.  The heavens are dumping on us!

I guess the best place to begin would be this morning when it all began...

I expected an epic battle to get my records from WAMC or to even have to drive up there tomorrow night.  This morning when I made the call to the radiology department I wasn't mad any more.  I just felt drained and a bit defeated.  But I didn't have any inclination to yell or be angry over the phone.  God's intervention because that is totally not typical me when someone is potentially messing with my baby-getting timeline, or the stuff I need to take care of in order to be in the best baby-hosting shape possible.  I even tried to get myself pumped up to sound emphatic, but I didn't have it in me.

Turns out I didn't need to really do much of anything except explain my situation.  The first lady I talked to wasn't able to help me but she did say she would have her boss call me as soon as she got in.  About 20 minutes later, sure enough, the boss called so I repeated my plight and how important it was for me to get these HSG films.  Lo and behold, she said she would make an exception in my case and mail the films on a cd directly to me so I could put them in my doctor's hands myself.  I didn't need to fill out any more forms or releases of information or send them copies of my military ID card.  Nada.  Just wait for the films to show up in my mailbox.

Ok...  That was easy...

Someone pinch me.

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To smartphone or not to smartphone? That is the question.

So this whole give up my smart phone endeavor has been met with some resistance.  From many different sources.

First, there is me with my doubts.  Well, fears really, that have only been made worse by the emails and/or phone conversations from family members who know me all too well.

Fears, which include, if I don't have a smart phone:

1. How am I going to find food?
I use my phone constantly whenever we are out to figure out what restaurants have gluten free menus or where I can get an emergency snack or if some unknown ingredient is actually code for gluten.  Plus you would be surprised at how many places say they have a menu, but it's only listed online, or the latest most accurate copy is only online.  I have many menus downloaded in pdf form on my smart phone, in fact menus make up a good portion of my memory card.  As a supreme example of someone who suffers from mad hunger anger that often renders me senseless and argumentative and dazed, I am afraid of losing my source of food detection, especially as safe food sources are often very rare.  As much as I may joke about this, it's a serious fear.

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The Parents are Coming, the Parents are Coming!!

Somedays the time drags so slowly, and then other weeks flash by in the wink of an eye and I'm left spinning in all of the madness.  The former has certainly dwindled since our adoption match, and I find I'm very much traveling at the speed of light.  I honestly have no idea where the month of May went.  All of a sudden, my parents and brother are flying in on Tuesday!

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