Here We Go...

Alrighty, then, ready or not, here is my new blog address:

www.chaiandmandazi.com

It's not perfect, I may change the layout dramatically, or I may not.  

After driving myself crazy and nearly quitting the entire project out of sheer frustration, I gave up trying to put everything about myself, my life, my past, my present, and my future into a single name and just went with simple and homey.  

Chai?

Well, chai is tea in Swahili, whether plain or with maziwa (milk) and masala spices.  I grew up in East Africa and chai is a daily part of life.  And while I love coffee, I will always be a tea kind of girl.

Mandazi?

Another Swahili word, this time for a triangular shaped fried puffy donut type of thing (no word for it in English that I know of) made with cardamom.  Best served warm, wrapped in old greasy newspaper.

Chai and Mandazi were tea time treats that we would have whenever the lady who made Mandazi knocked on our door with her goods on a giant sufaria (round aluminum tray) perched atop her head.  Or when we would go hang out at our friends' house, whether American or African.

My family's method of eating Mandazi was to bite off one of the three corners and drizzle honey on the inside.  Or after biting the corner off, dipping it in our chai, letting it soak up all the yummy goodness in one bite.

So good.  So simple.  

Chai and Mandazi.  Life doesn't get any better.

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Coming Soon...

A new blog.  Owned totally by me, domain and all.  I'm so excited!

I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn't so I screwed up the first domain I bought.  Thank goodness for 48 hours to change my mind!  In the end, though, I'm glad for the learning experience because I figured out I hated the domain I chose.  And I learned a ton, like you can't transfer a private domain ever while it is private, and no domain can be transferred within 60 days of purchase.  Something about registration, etc.  Don't even get me started on the steps to self-transferring either, versus paying someone over a hundred dollars to do for me.  It's so complicated.  Ugh.

I *think* I know what I'm doing, now, after staying up until two in the morning the other night, educating myself on the basics of domain ownership.  I hope I do.

And this time I'm taking my time and letting my name choices marinate.  It's such a big decision, like I'm branding myself or something.  And picking a name that encompasses the different facets of my life and writing without sounding generic or blasé is tough enough without throwing in availability.  Seriously, every perfect domain I can think of is already taken.  Shocker.

My naming rules are as follows: 1) short and sweet; 2) The blog name and domain must match; 3) all encompassing but not generic; 4) upbeat.

As soon as I figure out what I want to call my writing space, potentially forever (scary thought!), I will get everything set up with transferring over all my old posts and then give you my new home address.  

Have I mentioned I'm so excited??

Eeek!

(Ignore the continue reading button on this post.  I can't figure out how to make it not show up and this post is not truncated.  The joys of using a Wordpress skin on a Blogspot blog.  :/  Thanks!)

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In Between

I'm not sure where to begin this post.  I suppose with my last.

Yesterday I went through Facebook and deleted a bunch of dead profiles I was friends with, a lot of the husbands whose wives I'm friends with (but whom I don't interact with - the husbands I mean), and people who posted offensive matter consistently (like memes with foul language, etc), and people I had never heard from or who didn't even write on their own walls, etc.  

It amounted to about 200 friends, total.  Mostly acquaintances, actually, or people I haven't had a conversation with in many many years.

Those deletions and my changing feelings towards Facebook in general has me thinking about my blogging life and how nowadays I often lack inspiration to write.  But how I feel I need to write something because otherwise, why have a blog?

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The end of an season

The older I get, the less I like Facebook.

Part of it is the waiver you have to accept - that they can use whatever images you upload for whatever they want.  That alone has me seriously thinking of deleting my account.

Throw in all of the nasty fighting going on in the way of sarcastic memes directed at people in different political parties, of different religions, or different value systems and Facebook has been stressing me out big time.

I am by nature a high stress individual.  I get that.  Worry comes easily to me.  Wanting people to like me is something I too often crave and chase after.  But I also know what I believe and having that attacked, even by people who don't realize they are necessarily attacking me personally - more what I stand for, is not fun.  I don't enjoy the fighting, the bickering; or the inhibitions that the web removes.  I find people are much more willing to be horrible because they aren't doing it to my face or anyone else's.  It's through the guise of being funny, most of the time.  But it is annoying.  It makes me want to delete my account even more.

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Crazy, fun weekend

The weekend started off with a bang for us.  Literally.  

On Friday night, Hubby was giving Z a bath, and as he stood her up to wash her bum, she reached for a toy and fell over.  At first we thought she was fine and just crying because she was scared, as Hubby had seemingly caught her.  But a couple of moments later there was a growing goose egg on her forehead, turning ugly shades of deep blue and purple.  We threw her pjs on her, and still dripping, drove her straight to the ER.  

I have to say, our nearby hospital has an amazing ER.  We were in and out in less than 45 minutes, start to finish.  Z was more traumatized by being checked out by the doctor and several nurses, and cried harder than she did over her head.  Thankfully she was fine!  I think we were more of a wreck than anything and the ER pediatrician spent more time reassuring us than she did on checking Z out.  

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Peace and Freedom

I was pretty nervous yesterday morning as I called our FET nurse to let her know about Bear and our upcoming move, effectively canceling our FET and squashing any hopes for embryo adoption using our current home study.  I was very pleasantly surprised by her reaction, though, which was warmly congratulatory and understanding.  

I don't know what I expected, but I was prepared for her to be upset that we were canceling so late in the game, after she worked so hard to get us added to the September group in the first place.  Instead, she was extremely gracious and genuinely happy for us.  

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I Just Can't Chance It

The past few days of this week have been rather illuminating.  We've made some tough decisions (emotionally), but they were necessary and I think we're both in a good place.

We've decided to stop with our September FET.  Tomorrow I will make the necessary calls to the nurses and doctors involved, and make it official.  We had pretty much come to this conclusion last night, but wanted to give it 24 hours to see if we still agreed.  And we do.  

Our reasons are many and varied, but it comes down to a pregnancy right now being too risky with a newborn, a 900 mile move looming, a necessary and unavoidable cross-country trip to pick up Baby Bear (formerly Kumquat), busy Christmas plans, the end of Hubby's military career imminent, and the millions of details involved with so many life changes happening all at once.

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Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy

First off an explanation.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low and sorry for myself, plus icky because my second cycle of the month of July (yes, the second - ugh, only 20 days apart thanks to the Estrace and Prometrium) started as well.  I took my first bcp in prep for our Sept FET this am.  It's on.  But I don't feel ready.  Even with an upcoming adoption that couldn't be going better, a little one already firmly established in our home, an amazing and loving husband, and all the support and love of my family and friends, I struggle with fear over how we're going to get child number three.

Sounds stupid, I know.  And ungrateful.  

But I'm not.  Not at all ungrateful.  Not in the least.  

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In Case You Were Wondering...

Our Little Miss Z, aka Peanut, has some important news to share after the jump...

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Cranky

It's always rough when my hormones are manipulated during any kind of cycle.  This past month has been no different.

It took me a while to find a brand of bcps that didn't make me sick to my stomach or give me debilitating headaches.  Finally I was able to settle on Lo-Seasonique and once I was on it for a few weeks, my moods evened out.  I ended up with probably the most emotionally calm time I've had since the triplets.  No crazy mood swings or weird side effects that I noticed.  I felt more myself than I have in a long time.

Then July 4th was my last bcp and I've been a hot mess ever since.  Ask anyone who has to be around me for more than five minutes!  I've been having a rough time.

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My Z

I've been rather bad at writing about Z.  

Part of it is hesitation on my part - I'm much more conscious about posting details of her life on the interwebz.  Some of that hesitation is instinctual and stems from wanting to protect her.  Part of it comes out of a respect for her in that her life is her story to tell.  I'll talk about myself all day long and it's fine because I am choosing what to say, what stories to tell, what details to share.  But I don't write personal stuff about my husband or my daughter because you would be getting everything second hand, my point of view of their lives, not their own.  And my point of view is not always correct, or I may talk about stuff they don't want me to.  Plus, my words wouldn't do them justice at all.  Factor in that I spend most of my time running after my toddler and I'm not left with the time to even begin to try to do the two most important people in my life justice when it comes to my writing skills.

Don't get me wrong.  If you talk about your kids or husbands or both, that's fine.  It's just not what I'm particularly comfortable writing about in such a public medium.

So here are some pictures my mom took from the past week instead.  (Which will cross some people's boundaries of comfort in their own lives, but which I feel is fine because I would post these on Facebook.  It's all about levels of comfort.  You have to do what is ok for you and your family.  No judgment whatever you decide.)

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Fish

Hubby started fishing as his main hobby when we moved here last year.  He's been out several times, but has been pretty unlucky in catching anything, other than milkfish (difficult to eat because they have a bazillion bones).

Today, though, he went out early with one of his guys at work and caught this:

Dinner 

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The Back Burner

It's been a loooong day, somewhat emotional, I'm on Estrace AND Prometrium at the moment, and I've had a glass of wine.

I guess that means I am claiming I am not responsible for what I type, or at least not completely.  :)  Just warning ya.

Back to the Prometrium.  Dr. K at NEDC/Southeastern Fertility (SF from here on out) put me on it for 5 days total starting last Tuesday to induce a period since being on Estrace in prep for my medical clearance appointment apparently confuses my body to the point that it doesn't know what day of the month it is any more.

Prometrium is progesterone in a concentrated form, either pill or in oil (PIO) that you have to give yourself in a shot, or even suppository that you have to administer you know where three times a day.  Thankfully I'm on the pill form for now.  Once I start prep for the actual FET in September, I will be on both the pill form and the shot form.  My butt is going to be angry, even more so than previous IVFs, because if my assumption is correct I have at least one PIO a day, perhaps two (??).  I'll get my protocol at the end of August and will know more then how often I'll be shooting up (well, Hubby will be the one administering it).

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Another Zig in the Zag

I've been on a bit of a blogging break, imposed upon me by having to leave for our trip to NEDC two days earlier than planned because Hubby had to swing by a base near his parents for work on Friday.  Which meant we left Thursday instead of Saturday.  And then the internet was not working at the in-laws and I HATE typing posts on my tiny phone.  Thus the radio silence.

In the time I've been missing from the web, several significant events have occurred.

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Small Happenings

I am digesting dinner after a busy day of running errands, and though I need to run, I am looking for ways to procrastinate.  Blogging is perfect for that.  :)

- Took Z to her first dentist appointment.  Our pediatrician had said we were supposed to take her at 1 year and I've been feeling guilty because we didn't.  Found out today that the dentist that takes our insurance doesn't take kids less than 18 months old and Z will be turning 19 months tomorrow, so it all worked out.  

As far as the appointment goes, she didn't do so well.

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De-Friending

Today was the first day since I started using Facebook ages ago that I have ever de-friended someone for their political opinion.  Well, not their political opinion per se, but the way they explained themselves.

I respect anyone's right to post whatever they want to on their wall.  And I expect the same in return.  You don't have to like what I put out there, but you cannot attack me personally for it.  Your choices are to not read what I post, to block me, or unfriend me if you would like.  But you cannot make me silent.  And you are not allowed to take ideological viewpoints that you disagree with and then attack me personally for them.

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26 Seconds

That would be the time I shaved off my 4 miles, or should I say my 4.25 miles.  

(Pic courtesy of here)

I didn't want to run today.  NOT at all.  I am still sore from Saturday.  And I certainly didn't get up early to run, but the sentiment is the same.  I made myself and I'm happy I did.  I always feel better about my physical self when I do, which is pretty much all the motivation I need.  

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Nesting??

It's the only word I can think of to describe my compulsion to get rid of crap, pare down our belongings, organize our lives, and gaze with longing at strollers and travel high chairs on Amazon.

But organizing and tossing whatever is "not beautiful" or "not necessary," or a combo of those two, to our everyday lives is a bit like I would imagine walking through a pool filled with molasses might be.  

It is hard work and at times can be downright discouraging.  Especially because I am a notorious packrat.  But this packrat is turning into somewhat of a minimalist because I have hit my limit of holding onto memories with things.

I put stuff in one box that we haven't used in years, like our cappuccino machine, and Hubby walks by and takes it out.  Neither of us are any good at choosing between our many bookshelves of books.  And I feel guilty about giving away any wood carvings or other stuff from Africa, Asia, or wherever else we've been and/or lived.  

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Carpe Diem

First Post-Surgery run.  No headache so I carp-ed the diem.

52 minutes, 4 miles, 2% incline (accidentally - won't happen again for a while).

Interval training = the way to go, for me at least.

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Headache, Go Away, Don't Come Back Another Day

I've always been plagued by awful headaches.   I get them from stress or eating foods I'm allergic to.  Allergies complicate matters.  Hormones beginning or ending complicate matters. They get much worse in hot and humid climates, thus my HUGE objection to the Air Force moving us to Florida, Headache Central in my opinion.  But this is where we are living for a time and I keep telling myself that the pains I get in my head are just temporary.

Lately, though, I've gone from a couple a month to nearly every day, once again.  I had this issue back when I didn't know I had a tumor in my head and since surgery last summer and over Christmas, they abated for the most part.  Now that it's summer, though, the barometric pressure is constantly changing from the afternoon storms, while the heat and humidity continue to skyrocket.  My head, in the meantime, threatens to explode.

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A bit of a change

I changed my blog, once again.  :)  

I'm still tweaking it.

Unfortunately, if you go back and read earlier posts that are truncated, you will have to the click the "Continue Reading" link in the footer.  I don't know why it's there and after researching HTML code all day, I still can't fix it and put it where I want.  I have a solution for posts moving forward, but for whatever reason I can't fix it for older posts.  And from this point forward, there will be two "Continue Reading" links showing up.  Sigh.  Maybe in the future I can figure it out?  A girl can dream.

Overall, I like how much cleaner this version of my blog is.  Still working on background colors, but that will come with time.  

What do you think of my changes?  

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Dancing Time

Whelp, we threw out the BCPs.  For better or for worse.  I've written several posts about my post-op appointment with my RE who did my latest surgery, but not published them because I didn't like their tone.  No matter what I write, I feel very defensive a lot of the time when it comes to me trying to get pregnant again.  I feel like I have to justify my body and my reasoning, perhaps mostly to myself.  I hate feeling that way so I haven't been able to hit the publish button.

Suffice it to say, though, that Dr P is under the impression that there is no real reason why we shouldn't be able to get pregnant now on our own since this latest surgery.  He said that I had a lot of scar tissue, but no recurrence of endometriosis that he could see.  In his words, the endo appeared burnt out, the damage already done, and was not in process any longer.  Perhaps because of my surgery in June 2009 followed by being pregnant with triplets.  Apparently high levels of hCG kill off endo, and with triplets my numbers were through the roof, even though the pregnancy only lasted 24 weeks and 2 days.  Silver lining, I suppose.  Still, in his opinion, the risk of endo growing back was small enough to justify trying on our own once again.

I probably could never have been talked into getting off BCPs just because I'm so afraid of the endo returning, and Lord knows just how skeptical I am about EVER getting pregnant naturally, but with my appointment with NEDC coming up in two weeks, I was told to take my last pill on July 4th and then start on Estrace on the first day of full flow.  Oh the fun of being a female.  I was worried that nature would not take a normal course since I've been on heavy duty bcps for a year now (3 month Lo-Seasonique), but my body did what it was supposed to much faster than I thought (or experienced since being on birth control) and today I started up on Estrace.  NEDC just wants to make sure I can build a normal lining to support a pregnancy, and I can on my own without the Estrace.  But the Estrace will boost my natural abilities and definitely won't hurt.  On the 23rd I will have a mock embryo transfer, and thankfully not too much more, as they will use the operative report and the saline sonogram report from my RE here in town (no need to repeat the hysterosalpingogram or the saline sonogram, which will save us a load of cash, too, not to mention the awfulness of having my ute pumped full of fluid several times over and photographed and ultrasounded to heck and back again - you know, because those are always fun).

Anyways, cue the Baby Dance once more, while we move forward both with Kumquat and embryo adoption.  I admit, I am not counting on our genes hooking up but Hubby is quite happy to accommodate this change in plans, lol.  He has a bottomless pit of hope that he somehow continues to draw from, that we can expand our family by normal means, as well as every form of adoption available to us.  Me?  Well, I refuse to get too emotionally involved in expecting anything regarding my eggs being healthy, making it from point A to point B at all - much less in a timely fashion, and then doing what they are supposed to do both before, during, and after meeting Hubby's dudes.  It could happen.  But in my humble opinion it is not likely.  Surprise me, ok, body o' mine?  It would be nice for once.

But in case I'm right, and Hubby is wrong, we do plan on having adopted embryos transferred in the January cycle, if we are both matched by then and not too overwhelmed with Z and the new baby.  We can always push the transfer back to March if we need to, since we don't plan on moving or Hubby being retired before April or May.  

Wish us loads of baby dust as we embark on this new/old venture of attempting to have kids the good ol' fashioned way once more.  There is no doubt that the chance of multiples goes down significantly when technology is not involved and there is definitely something to be said for that.  Seriously though, if we do end up pg naturally, I am going to laugh long and hard. Hysterically.  After, of course, I regain consciousness.  Because I will have passed out from sheer shock.  It would be nice to get to that point, I will admit.  

Hey, it could happen.  Right?

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The Fourth and Beyond

Yay for bullet point posts, right??  :)

- Our July 4th was awesome.  Very low key.  We chilled at home because it was too hot and humid to do much outside.  We did hit up a great sale at Joann's in the late afternoon (made even greater with the 20% off military discount), and from there decided to go watch fireworks from one of the bridges on the bay.  While the shows were all pretty far away and therefore small against the horizon, we got to see something like 10 different towns' celebrations.  And it worked out well since Z jumped every time someone set off fireworks nearby (legal in this state).  I can't imagine what she would have done had we actually attended a show close enough to hear the loud pops and booms.  Bonus: no crowds and no traffic.  Lovely.

- On the 5th we set out to drive to Hub's parents' house for his mom's big retirement party.  We spent the weekend in Alabama and just got home this afternoon.  We included a side trip on Saturday to Atlanta where we bought year passes to the Georgia Aquarium, ate at El Taco and Yeah! Burger (both with amazing gluten free menus which Hubby is STILL raving about - score!!), watched the water show at Centennial Park where I was sorely tempted to let Z run and play buck naked (but didn't because white baby burns in any direct sunlight), and stayed late to watch the laser light show at Stone Mountain.  Sunday was the dinner party and it was amazingly delish!  Great food, great company, a chance to hang out with my sis-in-law and her hubby topped off a great weekend.

- Oh, Hubby took Z on a walk through his parents' neighborhood on Friday morning and happened upon a nearby garage sale where he found for sale an entire little girl's bedroom set (headboard/footboard/desk/chair/dresser/mirror) made of real wood.  He then returned and set about trying to talk me into it, which was completely unnecessary.  If Hubby, one of the most fiscally responsible people I know, volunteers to purchase furniture, I'm all over it.  The price was fantastic, the furniture worn (30 years old) but in good shape, and totally adorable.  As a side note, it fills my heart to overflowing to see how well Hub's provides for Z.  She has stolen his heart and I love watching him spoil her.  He is setting a high bar for whatever man she marries.

I hope you all had lovely weekends, too!

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A Chance to Make a Tangible Difference

In general, there are a few times in our lives where we can directly change someone else's life for the better.  This is one of those times.  


Please help us and all the families who are currently adopting or want to adopt in the future.  Without the Adoption Tax Credit, there is a good chance that we would not have been able to adopt Z or Kumquat (due in November).  Certainly we will be hard pressed to adopt a third baby in the future, and possibly not able to, if it expires. 


Adoptions on average cost between $20,000 and $40,000 per child.  And most of us who adopt are not like Madonna or Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt, with enormous sums of money at our disposal.  We are average Americans, with average jobs, average incomes, and average debt.  


The Adoption Tax Credit can be the difference between a child growing up in a loving home or not.  It can be the difference between a house filled with tears, or a home full of laughter.  It can mean the difference between abortion and life.    


Please take the time to contact your Congressman.  You can directly make a real difference not just in our lives, our children, our birth mother and her family; but in the lives of everyone else who is touched directly or indirectly by adoption.  


All it takes is an email or phone call.


This is how you can act (Thank you Facebook people who are passing this along):

If Congress does not act, the Adoption Tax Credit, as we now know it, will expire on December 31, 2012.

If the adoption tax credit helped you or someone you know to adopt a child or if it could help you in the future to adopt a child, PLEASE CALL YOUR U.S. CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATIVE TODAY and urge that he or she cosponsor the bipartisan bill H.R. 4373, the Making Adoption Affordable Act.

Action:
You can reach your Representative by calling the U.S. Capitol Operator at 202.225.3121 and asking for your Representative's office. If you don't know your Representative's name, go to www.house.gov/representatives/find and enter your zip code in the box provided.

Message:
I am a constituent in your district and the Adoption Tax Credit is important to me. (It matters to me because...) I urge the Representative to become a co-sponsor of H.R. 4373, The Making Adoption Affordable Act. If Congress does not act the credit as we now know it will expire in December 2012. H.R. 4373 is bipartisan and it supports all types of adoptions (domestic private, foster care, and international). This tax credit has made adoption a more viable option for many parents who might not otherwise have been able to afford adoption, allowing them to provide children with loving, permanent families.Thank you for your support of H.R. 4373.

To learn more about the adoption tax credit go to www.adoptiontaxcredit.org.

You can also, "like" the Save the Adoption Tax Credit mission on Facebook at: www.facebook.com/AdoptionTaxCredit.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to make this important phone call!

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Part of the Reason of Why I Write

I was sent the following from Sarah's Laughter, a site where you can sign up for daily encouraging emails dealing with the subject of infertility and child loss.  A friend told me about it and I was skeptical at first, as I always am of what I suspect may be easy and trite answers in the face of difficult life circumstances that have no business being treated with easy explanations.  I have, however, kept every single email since they are that profound and speak to me deeply.  This was today's:



"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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I figured it out

It's been bugging me that it's taken me so long to bounce back from this surgery.  I've been beating myself up about it, especially because I thought I was in really good shape going into it.  I was, in fact, partially looking forward to resting a bit and then resuming life as normal, like with my sinus surgeries.  Though probably rather obvious, I finally figured out why this surgery seems to have hit so much harder than past ones.

One, I'm not remembering all the pain and ickiness accurately when it comes to previous surgeries.

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Horsey Pics

I'm really late with posting these.  Pretty much like with all other photos when it comes to blogging.  Sigh.

Riding like a pro under Daddy's close watch.

Princess wave!

Do I really have to get off?

She loved it.  We'll have to go back on the next free day, which is typically once a quarter.  

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The Others

2 new posts up on the Adoption Blog.  It's private so leave your email in the comments, or if you know me in IRL and have my email or Facebook access, message me your email and I'll add you.

1 new (super easy and yummy) recipe on the Clean Blog.

Enjoy!  

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I made a decision

I am not going to worry until there is something to worry about.

It sounds simple enough, and it works.  But it takes effort.

But it's worth it.

I am not going to worry about complications with embryo adoption until one, I am pregnant, and two, I have complications.  I am not going to be stupid or take unnecessary and foolish risks, but I am not going to live in fear either.

I've analyzed all sides of the issue to death and still feel like the potential for a good outcome is worth the risks involved.  

I've gotten many doctors' opinions from my primary care physician to several specialists, including high risk OBs and they think I'll be fine.  I've been assured over and over that there is nothing about the loss of our triplets that should be repeatable statistically.  And there is nothing about my body that caused the loss of our babies.  I don't have an incompetent cervix or some other issue that could or would prevent me from carrying a pregnancy to term.

Of course no one can guarantee me a take home baby or an easy enjoyable pregnancy.  But all I have to do is look at my daughter to know that though the road may be scary and I may only be able to take one step at a time, she was worth every risk and every terrifying moment of the journey to her.

I trust God, I trust my doctors and I trust my instinct.  And that is really what it comes down to.    

Matthew 6:

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdomand his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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I wonder...

Using Hubby's iPad to type this. Pardon the mistakes. This post has gross girl stuff in it. You are warned. The flight to visit Nov Baby's FM was rather uneventful. We got to where we're staying around 2 am. That's when things got interesting. Z wanted nothing to do with the crib and worked herself into a frenzy that included vomiting all over me, the bed, the crib, herself, the floor, etc. Even after cleaning everything up, she was still upset no matter the soothing techniques we tried. Long story short, she ended lying in bed with me while Hubs slept on the couch for 3 hours - we in the bed didn't sleep but at least we were quiet enough for Hubby to get some shut eye. After he left for work, I managed to get Z to sleep in her crib for another three hours, during which I think I slept about an hour. She's taking a nap now, thankfully. I probably should too. Except of course I'm not. Last nights escapades combined with me bleeding again from lifting too much weight - Z plus luggage - during this trip has me thinking thoughts I need to get out of my head. Bright red spotting. And cramping like hell. I hope I haven't done anything too awful to my poor girl bits. So I'm laying as low as I can with a toddler in tow. Makes me wonder though, if I'm absolutely insane to consider trying to get pregnant in whatever way. Because its impossible to lay low right now with only one kid. How about with two, right??? Am I crazy? It's easy to dream big when you feel well, and much easier to see potential physical limitations and/or disaster looming when you aren't. I hate that pregnancy for me may very well mean needing to plan for the worst case scenario. I hate that it makes me feel like I have to choose between reality and deep seeded dreams. I hate that it draws a circle of isolation around me and makes me endlessly chase myself in my head. I hate that it represents a significant gamble. I hate that my chasing my dreams terrifies so many others. And I hate the memories of feeling much like I do now, even when I was blissfully ignorant of the outcome I was facing. Seriously, I feel like I'm pregnant with triplets again. Triplets in the second trimester is comparable to having pretty significant abdominal surgery, in case you were wondering. Mostly like your body is ripping apart from the inside out. The pain & cramps seem the same now & then. And I can imagine very well that this may be how I feel if I ever get pregnant again - miserable. And that scares me. What for so many is one of the most exciting times of their lives is for me a huge source of worry, cautious planning, and potential disaster. I find myself constantly turning to Hubby and asking him if we can do this, if I'm crazy, if we can survive the future no matter what it holds. I'm scrambling for reassurance. I hate the fear and the doubt that I can't do this, have it all. I wonder if this fear should be heeded or if I should brush it aside. After all, I had similar debilitating doubts about adoption and I'm very glad I didn't listen to those. Am I just processing deeper elements of a serious trauma I barely survived? Is this part of a very necessary healing process? Or am I trying to tell myself subconsciously that I'm headed for disaster again? And worst of all, I hate feeling like if I don't try, I will regret it for the rest of my life, but if I go for it and it only ends in more loss, that I will only have myself to blame from this point forward. After all, I knew the risks & still took the plunge. See why sleep eludes me? I think that no matter how we proceed, there are always going to be fears and the potential for regrets. I have never wished for hindsight so badly going into something as big as trying for another baby via pregnancy. And I guess it's easier for me to over analyze this part of life than spend my time worrying about our current adoption in the works. Not that there is much to worry about as we have to wait until November for the baby to be born for papers to be signed. Maybe I just like to worry?

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Random Bits

I put a page of abbreviations up at the top bar for anyone who is wondering what I'm talking about when I use them in this blog, as I frequently do.  Thank you to my reader who put in the request, as I meant to do it ages ago.  :)  If you notice I left any out, please point them out and I will add them to the list.  Thanks.

I apologize if I come across as bitter whenever I talk about infertility.  I'm not really that bitter, overall. More frustrated than anything.  I am still mad about our losses: the babies that we lost, the time that we've lost, the energy we've lost, the ability to feel free and able to take on other adventures like traveling, etc.  Those are things I can't get back.  And I get mad now and again that we are still fighting what feels like an continuously uphill battle.  Wanting a large family when you have infertility can be the pits sometimes, especially if you have limited financial means.  And I get tired of constantly analyzing the timing of everything.  I mean, nothing has worked out in the timing department yet when it comes to kids.  And as my mom says, if you wait for the right time to have kids, you'll never have them.  Which is true.  At least when it comes to having more.  My point of view, which sometimes gets invalidated by the threat of potentially being put on bed rest should we get pregnant ever again, is lets jump in and get this thing done.  But it's never as easy as that, is it?  Even when everything is on track.  Sigh.

We took Z to a horse farm today.  It's actually a particular one that is contracted with the DoD to provide horse therapy with wounded vets and returning soldiers.  The horses, then, are known for their gentleness.  I wasn't sure if Z was old enough or tall enough or weighed enough to ride, and even if she met their criteria, I wasn't sure she would be up to getting on one of the large beasts and going for a walk.  Lo and behold, the kiddo LOVES horses (it's inherited from her birth mom, I'm sure, who used to ride as a girl back in the day) like she loves dancing (another inherited birth mother trait who was very much into ballet).  The older kids were all screaming and crying, but not Z.  She walked right up the ramp, let the lady put her on the horse, looked at her daddy for reassurance which she received in spades, and then proceeded to walk not just once, but twice around the little riding arena.  She was bouncing and bobbing up and down, smiling and pushing her toddler bike helmet up out of her eyes.  At one point she held onto the saddle handles with one hand and was waving at everyone and grinning from ear to ear.  Somehow I caught a photo of that priceless moment.  The child is amazing.  And a total character.  I love every square inch of her, from the tips of her toes to the top of her head to the moon and back.  I shall post pics.  Truly.  Next post.

I made granola and need to make banana bread to take with me so I have food to eat next week on our travels. Gonna enjoy the cooler weather, the beach, and take lots of photos, even if it's only for two days.

Did I mention I got a new camera?  It's a Panasonic Lumix ZS-20, which is the same as the ZS-19 except it has the GPS function which I have turned off.  I love the zoom, how quickly the flash recharges, and the speed at which I can take photos.  The reason that I got it and that I'm very happy with it is that it takes great photos in lower light, which my first panasonic lumix did well, but my second did not.  And the 40x zoom??  Brilliant.  The camera is the total package when it comes to a small pocket size digital camera taking great photos of small children in constant motion in a variety of environments.

Z is a coloring fiend.  She loves crayons, sitting at her Little Tike's classic style table (which I got partially because of my own fond memories with that style), and coloring.  Sticker books are a new love, too.  Although all of the above only captures her attention for a few mere moments, it's certainly more than anything we've given her to play with in the past.  And she doesn't care if she colors in a coloring book or on paper.  Now I just need to teach her not to throw her crayons when she's mad...

And that's it for random bits today.  Hope you all had a lovely weekend.  :)

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Summary

I keep writing blogs but somehow I can't publish them.  Maybe it's because some of the sentiments in them are too raw, they expose too much emotion?

Anyways, Hubs and I over the last weekend created another portfolio and submitted it barely in time (thank you FedEx for screwing up overnight shipping) to a birth mother due in September.  We weren't matched but that turned out to be somewhat of a relief in all ways, as this particular adoption is set to be quite messy financially, emotionally, etc.

But it did get us all thinking.  About how many babies we want at once, how difficult it is going to be if I manage to get pregnant but am put on bed rest, how crazy we are willing to let this life get, etc.

That on top of recovering from surgery made us rethink some of our plans and the basics are that we aren't going to try to get pregnant this fall on top of adopting November Baby.  That will be put off until after we bring him/her home.  It's not ideal ever to be on bed rest no matter how many kids you have.  But it is what it is, if that happens and we'll just work it out.

We are heading out this weekend to the other ocean to meet with our birth mom.  I am looking forward to much cooler temps and I need to do some major baking so that I have food.  We are going to a pony farm this afternoon with Z.  And we're still keeping our initial meeting with NEDC next month.

I think that is it for now.  

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So. Much. Better.

Thank you for all of the prayers!

I am starting to feel like I've joined the land of the living!  It's nice to be back.

I've only had 1 ibuprofen and 1 percosset, so I'm definitely making progress on weaning off the happy pills.

That, drinking mainly only full pulp orange juice, taking gut-please-function pills religiously 3 times a day, and perhaps humiliating my colon by outing him (are colons male or female??) in the blogging world as a stubborn jerk who needed to get his butt in gear, and prayer of course, has all combined to make me a much happier girl.  There were a couple of hours here and there throughout the first week post-surgery where if relief had waited a second or two longer to come, I was taking my sorry self to the ER to find out if someone accidentally glued my large intestine closed or something.

All's well that ends well.

I want to give a huge shout out to my mother who has been a huge help with everything house and child related while I recover.  I have no idea how I would have gotten on without her.  All I know is that if I'm ever pregnant in the future and placed on bed rest, she has to come back for the duration of that endeavor.  She's indispensable.

On top of recovering, Hubby and I have been working on a semi-secret project this entire past weekend.  It was all consuming and nearly pushed me over the edge a couple of times, but I am pleased with the end result and I hope it brings the results we want.  We will know by the end of the week and then I promise, whether it turns out well or not, I will reveal all.  Complete with pictures.  Because I am just that proud of our handiwork.

Hubby had a good Father's Day, complete with nap.

And that is all to report for now.

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Good Days and Bad Days

I'm still recovering.

I cannot believe how much the wind was sucked out of my sails with this surgery.  It feels surreal, like my guts were hacked up with a machete or something.

Seriously, all they took out was a tiny tube that was diseased.  That should make me feel better with its absence, not like I had procedure worse than a c-section.

Cue frustration.

Right now every other day is good, and every other day is bad.  And my issues revolve around the toilet.  I don't know what was done to my large intestine but it is flat out rebelling against everything.  And by rebelling, I mean refusing to work practically at all.  Stupid Colon.

A good day, where I feel chipper and in no pain can turn into an entirely awful day in a moment if I have to do more than just pee.  After I manage to go, I usually want to pass out from abdominal pain - which only gets worse with the going, for some reason.  The rest of the day is spent recovering on the couch.

And it's not like I'm popping pain pills galore.  I am down to two percosset a day.  One in the morning after my guts kick me in the butt, and one before bed.  And maybe two 600mg ibuprofen eight hours apart.  Hardly a lot of medication, considering the pain I feel.  And I'm taking Colace religiously at least two times a day.

The thing is, I'm terrified to take anything more with codeine in it since that's what causes blockages and apparently I have enough trouble with that on my own.  I'm not eating badly either.  No gluten, dairy, soy, etc.  Lots of veggies and not many carbs.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

But if things continue down this path, I'm going to have to go back to the doctor before my post-op on Thursday and try to find out why I am having such an awful time.  

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Survived

I survived the surgery.

It took the 7-8 surgeons and doctors working on me about 5 hours.  I was not expecting it to be that big of a deal.

Hubby keeps telling me that my recovery is the worst I've had because one, the surgery was so long, and two, they did so much to me.  They even kept me overnight, a total first for me for a laparoscopy.

Only my left tube was removed as my right tube looked really good and healthy.  I heard I had a lot of adhesions and scar tissue removed, which is partially what took so long.  And why I'm so miserable this side of things.

I have 3 new scars and my belly button was ripped a new one, lol.  Total of 13 cuts/scars on my poor abused abdomen, not to mention the 3 incisions in my belly button, one on top of the other.

Recovery this time is miserable.  Absolutely miserable.  Everything makes me nauseated, my guts are at whole new levels of pissed off, and the pain meds don't seem to do a dang thing except screw with my intestines.  The only thing I have in my favor is that I can pee normally.  In all of my past surgeries it took me weeks to get to where I am already in that department.  But the rest of it?  I feel like I got hit by a mac-truck in my chest and abdomen and back.

One of my surgeons told me that my diaphragm was probably really bruised by all of the air they had to pump in to see properly.  It's finally working its way out through my shoulders.

So if I'm absent from here, it's because I got my butt majorly handed to me this time around.

I'm done with surgery, if I can help it.

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Surgery Today

The wedding was beautiful!  So glad we got to go and hang out with so many great friends that we rarely see.  The goodbyes, as always, were bittersweet.

I got sick (contaminated from gluten at a supposedly gluten free restaurant - another story for another time) and have been fighting a fever, severe sore throat, and the general I've been hit by a truck feeling that gluten inflicts on me.  Yesterday I was certain my surgery would be cancelled, but today my fever is gone and most of the pain, except for my throat getting rawer by the moment.

I leave for the hospital in a few moments and ask for your prayers for intubation to go smoothly despite my very sore throat, continued no fever, easy surgery, and no Essure (you can google that to find out what the procedure is).  Also for an easy recovery.  I'm nervous about that since gluten invariably messes with my ability to heal.  Also my brother and father fly to Kenya today.  Hubby is taking them to the airport while my mom takes me to the hospital.  Hubs should be back in time for my actual surgery and will swap vehicles, roles, and child with my mom who will come back home with Z.  I'm guessing I will be out of it for a while.

Thank you for your prayers - past and present!

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Ready, Set, Surgery!

Pre-op went well today.  The doctors, nurses, admin people are so nice at the hospital I where I am getting the operation.

I had a saline sonogram and have a beautiful uterus, at least on the inside.  Happy day that at least one piece of my reproductive equipment is in good shape.  And if one piece is what I get, the inside of my uterus is the one I would opt for.

Please be praying that I will be able to at least have my tubes cut from the outside and not have to have tubal ligation surgery.  There is potential for tubal ligation to mess with my ability to keep a pregnancy, but there is a bigger risk of my inflamed tubes terminating a pregnancy before it even begins.  Tubal ligation is the last resort, so I'm hoping that at a minimum, my docs can at least find my tubes and detach them from my uterus, even if they can't get the tubes out of my body because they are glued to too many organs with scar tissue.

It's the one thing I'm nervous about and I won't know what's been done until I wake up.

Thanks!

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Today's post brought to you by the number 3

-3 IUIs
-3 IVFs
-3 lost pregnancies
-3 pelvic surgeries
-3 dental surgeries
-triplet pregnancy
-seeing my 3rd RE
-3 adoptions
-3 best friends
-3 major food allergies
-3 active blogs
-3 tickets from cops
-been in 3 car accidents
-lived on 3 continents
-lived in 3 countries
-owned 3 laptops
-owned 3 cell phones
-dated 3 guys before my hubby
-always wanted 3 kids
-changed my college major 3 times
-gone to 3 accredited schools

And that's just what I can think of off the top of my head.

3 is my number, for better or worse.

What's yours?

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From HSG to Surgery

This morning was my HSG.  I wasn't sure what I would see, exactly, and I told myself I would settle for a left tube that did not spasm.

I got a whole heap more than that.

At first I couldn't believe it but my left tube appeared not to be blocked at all.

Cue jaw dropping and stammering and swearing up and down that it was in the last HSG.

Huh.

And my right tube, well, it was blowing up like a ballon instead of the usual neat little squiggly line in my last two HSGs.  It was able to drain some, but not much.

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Christmas...in June??

I'm not sure where to even start this post.  It has been one crazy day of goodness and I'm struggling to grasp all that is being lavished on us.  I'm not used to this many awesome amazing blessings in one heap.  The heavens are dumping on us!

I guess the best place to begin would be this morning when it all began...

I expected an epic battle to get my records from WAMC or to even have to drive up there tomorrow night.  This morning when I made the call to the radiology department I wasn't mad any more.  I just felt drained and a bit defeated.  But I didn't have any inclination to yell or be angry over the phone.  God's intervention because that is totally not typical me when someone is potentially messing with my baby-getting timeline, or the stuff I need to take care of in order to be in the best baby-hosting shape possible.  I even tried to get myself pumped up to sound emphatic, but I didn't have it in me.

Turns out I didn't need to really do much of anything except explain my situation.  The first lady I talked to wasn't able to help me but she did say she would have her boss call me as soon as she got in.  About 20 minutes later, sure enough, the boss called so I repeated my plight and how important it was for me to get these HSG films.  Lo and behold, she said she would make an exception in my case and mail the films on a cd directly to me so I could put them in my doctor's hands myself.  I didn't need to fill out any more forms or releases of information or send them copies of my military ID card.  Nada.  Just wait for the films to show up in my mailbox.

Ok...  That was easy...

Someone pinch me.

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To smartphone or not to smartphone? That is the question.

So this whole give up my smart phone endeavor has been met with some resistance.  From many different sources.

First, there is me with my doubts.  Well, fears really, that have only been made worse by the emails and/or phone conversations from family members who know me all too well.

Fears, which include, if I don't have a smart phone:

1. How am I going to find food?
I use my phone constantly whenever we are out to figure out what restaurants have gluten free menus or where I can get an emergency snack or if some unknown ingredient is actually code for gluten.  Plus you would be surprised at how many places say they have a menu, but it's only listed online, or the latest most accurate copy is only online.  I have many menus downloaded in pdf form on my smart phone, in fact menus make up a good portion of my memory card.  As a supreme example of someone who suffers from mad hunger anger that often renders me senseless and argumentative and dazed, I am afraid of losing my source of food detection, especially as safe food sources are often very rare.  As much as I may joke about this, it's a serious fear.

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The Parents are Coming, the Parents are Coming!!

Somedays the time drags so slowly, and then other weeks flash by in the wink of an eye and I'm left spinning in all of the madness.  The former has certainly dwindled since our adoption match, and I find I'm very much traveling at the speed of light.  I honestly have no idea where the month of May went.  All of a sudden, my parents and brother are flying in on Tuesday!

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Capping the Craziness

I am officially ruling out a November transfer.  I think it's absolutely insane to try to arrange everything in so many different states in such a short amount time.  And if anything went wrong and I didn't end up pregnant, I would blame the crazy schedule, the airplane ride, trying to do too much, being in panic mode about all of the details, etc - in short, I would feel responsible.  I can't live with that kind of outcome.  If we don't end up pregnant, but we did everything we could to take it easy and ensure a good outcome, well then it's completely in God's hands.  But if there is a chance that I screwed it up, I will be a guilty wreck for a very long time.

We're talking about the difference of 8 weeks, which potentially could be the difference between life and death, between chaos and calm, between lasting guilt and peace, between sorry and safe.

Each event, each adoption deserves it's own separate timeline, it's own dedication of our time and effort.  And the only way to accomplish that and maintain any kind of sanity is to do them in separate months.  Plus my mom agreed to stay here with us longer after she was supposed to return to Arizona, and take care of Z and Kumquat for us while we take care of the DeFET in TN.

I think I'm really making the responsible decision, and definitely the rational one.  And just because we've gone the crazy route in the past doesn't mean we have to always push the limit with every attempt to get pregnant.  Seriously, I'm tired of being a hot worried mess when it comes to infertility. Plus, wouldn't getting pregnant while parenting a 2 year old and an 8 week old count as nuts enough?

No rush, please.  We've done enough of that.  It's time to stop pushing the time boundary at every turn.  Even if it means I'm a complete hormonal mess of a pin cushion over Christmas, you know, because I'm gonna be shooting up drugs once more (yay for PIO in the bum).

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We're In! *Updated*

Updated at end

NEDC received all of our paperwork, our blood work, our home study and pictures, and now we are scheduled for an initial appointment on September 10th!

I'm not sure at this point and I have a few emails into the nurse to find out what cycle we would be in if we are medically cleared to advance based on that appointment.  The paperwork I have says we could be accepted as early as the September cycle and since I'm on Lo-Seasonique, I probably will have to switch to a different type of bcps.  I asked what type I should start on after this pack of three month continuous pills runs out.  I have 6 weeks left and there is no way that I want my birth control dictating when we can cycle.

There is no way we could cycle in Nov/Dec based on Kumquat's due date and needing to stay put in the state he/she is going to be born in for the two week interstate adoption compact wait, so if we're out for Sept, we're looking at a Jan/Feb cycle.  Which is fine too.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up for a September cycle, but I would LOVE it if we could do the actual transfer in October.

Hurray!  We are moving forward!

Now to have my appointment to figure out surgery on Friday.

This is actually happening...

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Memorial Day Weekend and other bits and pieces

A lot to say plus not much time to say it due to a fussy toddler who is a pro at taking 10 minute naps equals the bullet point post.

1.  Memorial Day weekend was lovely.  We originally planned to visit Lola and Lolo (Hub's parents) but because we only had 4 days to work with and two would have been spent driving, we decided to just stay here.  We ended up working a lot on the house, cleaning it up, getting beds ready for my parents who are coming in a less than a week, and kicked off a deep summer house cleanse where I am going to try really hard to pare down our possessions.  We did go the zoo, out for dinner, and shopping here and there, too, so it wasn't all work.

2. My thumb is healing.  I don't need to use a bandaid on it any more if I'm careful and I finally got all of the matted gauze soaked off yesterday.  I have a nice scab formed and I can now wash dishes again.  Yay!

3.  I wrote not too long ago about my food woes, which are many, but there are also some delights I eat regularly that I never would have before.  Part of it is that my taste buds are evolving, and part of it is that I'm willing to try things that I didn't need to prior to figuring out my food allergies.  Here are some tips:

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Organized Simplicity

The title sounds lovely, doesn't it?  Actually it is the title of the book I'm currently reading.

I'm on chapter 3 and I love it so far.  It's about living intentionally and clutter free, offers the advice of coming up with a purpose statement for your family so you can decide how to spend your money/time/efforts/etc productively and always with your purpose in mind, and then goes through what at a basic level is considered necessary to live purposefully but not have your possessions or the busyness of schedules own you.  The last half of the book goes room by room and explains how to organize it and get rid of the superfluous; how to detach yourself from loving objects.

I need that.  I am a pack rat who can find a reason to keep anything.  Literally.  I have always wanted to live like I was not attached to things, but it's more my nature to hold on than to let pass away.  And having grown up overseas where items like deodorant were not available and needed to be purchased for years at a time has not helped, as I have often continued the practice here where everything is available pretty much immediately.  Costco is both my love and my arch enemy.  I have to be very careful there.

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Memorial Day Weekend, Part 1

Thank you to those that have served and given their lives for our country.  We remember you.  And to the mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, and friends left behind in sorrow, we remember you, too.  Thank you, for you now endure immeasurable loss for our sakes.  Our words of gratitude, as a country, and individually, cannot bring back your loved one and are small in comparison to the sacrifice made on our behalf.

I think it's pretty easy in our consumer society known for it's 2 second attention span and long term memory of half an hour, to forget what these holidays were started for, what they truly mean.

I'm grateful for a husband who doesn't, who can't because he remembers all the friends he's lost, all the guys he helped hold together as they were medivac-ed, all the men he watched over as they died, and the cleanup after suicide bombers hit bustling marketplaces or his friends' convoys.

I can't forget the sleepless nights he deployed, the days I didn't get a phone call spent wondering if I would ever hear his voice again.  That the PRT after his, in the same places he traveled to weekly to inspect his engineering projects, just mere days after he left to return to me, were hit and lost 4 of their men. That it could have just as easily been my husband who did not come home.

I'm grateful for a church who doesn't either.  I was surprised about that at last night's service, but in a good way.

Memorial Day weekend is fun, full of good shopping deals & family barbecues; the official start to summer.  But this holiday, for many others, means something entirely different and will be spent, at least in part, at a cemetery.

Please don't forget who it's really all about.  

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Bitter about Food

The title says it all, I'm afraid.

I don't have the best relationship with food. At all.  And it's not my fault.

I have celiac disease, which means no wheat, barley, or rye in any of their million forms.

I also apparently have an allergy to any dairy whatsoever.  As in eating a few crumbs of cheese can make me bloat up an extra 5-10 lbs in a few hours, stop my daily constitutions for up to a week, etc.  Not a pretty picture.  In fact, I have had to give up butter most recently.

On top of that, I try not to eat soy as it messes up my ultra-sensitive digestive tract.

And currently I rarely eat meat.  I am not vegetarian by any stretch of the imagination, but I only eat beef once every few months, if that, and chicken and/or fish once a week or so.

So, my regular diet pretty much consists of beans, legumes in various forms, goat cheese, potatoes, rice, eggs (about 1x a week), gluten free breads (Udi's is my favorite), veggies of nearly every kind I can find, coconut and almond milk, and squashes.  I recently added in gluten free oats, just for some variety, but I am on the fence about my tolerance of them.

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Slice & Dice

I am a genius.

Not really.  I meant that sarcastically.

I decided to use a veggie slicer (mandolin is the correct term, I think) to slice up my zucchini & summer squash yesterday while Hubby and Z were out, and unfortunately I also sliced off a massive chunk of my thumb in the process.  Hubby had told me he was nervous with the way I was using the equipment on a previous occasion, and right before I injured myself I actually had the thought that I was so good at what I was doing and how wrong hubby was about me and my method.

Ha.

Pride goeth before a fall, or in this case before I sliceth off the end of my thumb.

Zshwoop, it was gone.  That fast.  One second I had an entire thumb, and the next, not.

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Odds and Ends & a Z update

Things continue to go well with our birth mom.  I'm going to put up a new post on the adoption blog today with those details.  We're trying to work out the details, mostly with Mike's work, so we can go and meet her sometime in June.

**********

We got our IRS return, minus the adoption credits, which at first made me really mad.  But it turns out the IRS was being nice and giving us our regular return while they process the adoption credits.  Turns out the adoption credit is the single largest tax credit available and as such, draws a lot of attention from the criminal element who see it as a fairly easy way to rip off the system.  Because of that, any applications for the credit are automatically sent to an outside private business to be investigated for fraud.  That business is given 60 days by the IRS to figure out if the applications are legit or not (go through the paperwork, contact adoption agencies, etc), and they got ours on April 3 or something, which means we should be finding out in the next couple of weeks if we were cleared to receive the credits or not.  The IRS lady said that if we were able to prove we had and were adopting, we shouldn't have any trouble getting the credits, so that made me feel a little better.

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Embryo Adoption Update

I am feeling a little overwhelmed and a lot excited.

Got our embryo adoption paperwork in the mail today.

I've filled everything out, we've both signed where we needed to, need to get ink so we can print a copy of our home study, need to get one form notarized, need to print out 3 pictures of us, copy my infertility medical records, and send it all off.

That's it.

I get nervous when paperwork and signatures are involved.  Yet I can't believe how simple the application is so far.  It's nice that I got to do most of it online.

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Go AWAY Cold

This year has been pretty tough on me as far as getting sick is concerned.

I have only ever gotten the flu shot twice in my life - once in college and then I was pretty much forced to get it when I was pregnant with the triplets.  Other than that, I've been lucky.

I rarely get sick since figuring out that I had celiac disease and other food allergies, most notably dairy.  So the flu shot to me has been one of those things that I just don't know about.  There are so many conflicting stories about getting vaccines versus not getting vaccines, and I do think we tend to over vaccinate for everything in this country.  Some of it is good, like getting rid of polio.  But I don't think it's bad to have a cold and build immunities every now and then.  Basically I have failed to educate myself well enough to know what to do when I'm in the doctor's office and he's asking me if I want a flu shot.  That, and different doctors telling me it's bad for me or that I could die if I don't get it don't make the decision any easier.  I usually pass.  (For myself.  Z gets the vaccines.)  Also factor in having a brother who has autism and that just clouds the issue further.  And the one year I voluntarily got the flu vaccine, I was sicker than a dog.

Ok, back to the present.  Also, note that Hubby is required by the military to get the flu shot every year.

This year has been awful when it comes to me getting sick.

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Adoption Blog

I am have started a private adoption blog that requires an invitation to join.  If you are interested, please leave me a message with your email in it or if you know me through Facebook, you can message me your email.

Because the baby is due in the late fall, I know I will need a place to put all my thoughts and such in the interim.  And I don't want to post anything detail wise on this blog until after we finalize, which because of the state we're finalizing in, is going to be quite the long drawn out process.  I won't be able to remember or keep everything to myself until that point, so it's best just to have a safe place to put down what we're experiencing.  It's important to me, though, for the sake of the baby, to document all the little details.

I hope you join me over there.

M&K Adopt

2 posts are up there already!

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Paper Pregnant.

Only 35 days after going live with our agency, we are tentatively matched with a birth mother due in November.

I am gobsmacked.

Flabbergasted.

Very drugged on cold meds.  I can barely put a coherent thought together as it is and now my brain is exploding in excitement.

But I have to document this because it's so amazing.

The baby will match my husband in color.

We don't know gender.  We don't care.

We have fallen in love, all over again.

We are paper pregnant.

We are in awe of our God who has gone before us and smoothed out every detail before it even became an issue, right down to where the baby is going to be born.  I wish I could explain, but I probably won't be able to write any kind of specifics until after the baby is born and we are home.

This match is a no-brainer.  A gift.  Not something we even need to think twice about saying yes to.

Please keep us in your prayers as we wait.  As we become more involved and invested in the relationship with our birth mom.  For the pregnancy as it progresses.  For the health of the baby and birth mom.  For the birth mom and her emotions and heart to be protected.  I am almost certain she will not be changing her mind.

The baby is a size of a kumquat.

We need to go pick our jaws up off the floor now.

Thank you for being with us on this journey, for supporting us, praying for us, walking it with us.  We obviously have far to go before everything is said and done, but there is an air about this that is so distinctly of God that I am not even worried.

God. Is. Good.

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Shady Coffee Shop Babies

At the ENT's yesterday, waiting for the numbing spray to do it's thing before having the camera do its inspection, I was glancing through a magazine (either Time or Newsweek, can't remember which).

The cover photo was a baby and the caption had something to do with the new coffee shop baby or something like that.  Intrigued, I found the article and starting reading.

And my jaw started dropping.

And dropping, and dropping.

Having been through a lot in the infertility world, I didn't think too much could shock me.  But this did.

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Zipadeedoodaaa

(Image courtesy of here)

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Things are lining up??

At least at the moment they appear to be.  So far so good.

I called Dr. P (my local endocrinologist - infertility doc) and left a message with his nurse just to find out what I need to do to request this surgery and what would be involved.  The wait time for a callback is usually 24-48 hours, so I wasn't expecting to hear anything for a little bit.  I was surprised, then, to get a return call less than 30 minutes later!  Yay!  The nurse wasn't surprised at all by my request, walked me through what probably will happen (initial appointment, possibly another HSG or saline sonogram, then surgery), and booked my first appointment for June 1st.  I just need to make sure they have my films from my WAMC 2010 HSG.  From our conversation, though, it doesn't seem like I will need to fight anyone in an effort to persuade them that I need to have this surgery.

I called radiology at WAMC and if what the records lady told me was correct, I just need to fill out and sign a request for records from Dr. P, fax it to the radiology department, and in a couple of days my HSG films will be mailed to Dr. P, in time for my June 1 appointment.

I have an appointment with my ENT tomorrow, to have my nasal cavity checked for any signs of tumor regrowth, and to have some scar tissue snipped.  I'm not looking forward to it, but the good thing is that my ENT and Dr P are in the same building so I can take care of requesting my records tomorrow, which should be more than enough time for Dr P to get and review them by the time he sees me.  I'm glad I can save myself an extra trip just to sign the records waiver, seeing as gas is so expensive these days and I have to take a toll road that costs $2.50 each way.

Another piece of good news was that Dr. P's nurse said that I should be able to get the surgery scheduled and completed within one month of seeing him for the initial appointment, but if there are hang ups, that still means I would probably be done by the end of July, which would give me plenty of time to recover before our initial appointment up in Knoxville with NEDC, and before a DeFET.

So far, it's all working out rather favorably, I would say.

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Submitted & a Book You Should Read

I am a bundle of nerves, but after re-reading our application in total, I submitted it to NEDC.

Tomorrow I need to call WAMC to get my medical records for IVF #2 & #3, and HSG #2.

I am also calling my local clinic to get the ball rolling on surgery to remove my left tube.  Not sure what that all includes, but I'm hoping that I won't meet with much resistance from my doc or too long of a wait to get in to see him, get the pre-surgery tests done, and get the surgery scheduled.

NEDC has a very organized and detailed timeline of what happens and in what order, which an OCD person like me finds very comforting.

I'm sure anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time can tell that balancing the life I have with the life I want or think I should have is a tough assignment for me.  I find myself constantly being obsessed with either trying to make this next adoption happen in whatever form it's going to take, or wanting to walk away and quit because the waiting is so freaking hard.  Both are extremes that I don't like, two sides of the same coin of control that I can't seem to let go of.  But I have to find a way to even things out.  For my own sanity, for my husband's sanity, and so I don't miss out on the blessing of watching my daughter grow up each day.

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A Holiday Minimalist

I am not one to celebrate many holidays or special days.  In general, they just aren't that important to me, or Hubby, either.

The two that I mark on my calendar at the beginning of every year, though, are Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Those two I will go all out for and I look forward to them the entire 10 and a half months prior.  For me, Thanksgiving kicks off the Christmas season, which is my ultimate favorite.

I like July 4th, too, but whether I do anything to mark the occasion depends on my mood, where I'm living at the time, and whether extended family is involved.  Some of my best memories are sitting in the back of my parents' truck in Phoenix, parked outside their house, and watching the fireworks off in the distance.

The rest, though, like Valentines or Mother's/Father's day, or St. Patty's or what have you just seem like a hassle.  One more thing to have to run around and prepare for.  Spend money on.  Etc.

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Yup, We Changed Our Plans

EDI is out, NEDC is in.

I love living up to my blog name.  :)

It just makes sense to make this particular change.

My spirit is much relieved, and I feel very peaceful with our new direction.

I've been working on NEDC's application for the past 3 hours, since talking to Hubby.  It's rather involved.  Very much like a typical agency adoption or home study questionnaire.  I'm using our adoption agency profile to fill a lot of it out, rather than trying to write everything off the top of my head.  We have to write a 1.5 page letter to the embryo donors, and include 3 pictures (one family, one of us up close, and then another of our choice).  They will build us a profile at NEDC for donors to look at.  I'm not sure if we pick which donors to look at our profiles or what.

I won't be submitting our application until later this weekend, letting what I've written percolate and see if I need to make changes.

Can I brag for a moment?  I am a dang good at writing "please give us your __________ (fill in with baby, embryo, etc) letters.  I mean, dang good.  You know, because I've only ever written what feels like a hundred of them.

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Bouts of Doubts

We are scheduled to have our Skype with EDI next month on the 12th of June.

But I'm having doubts.

Major Doubts.

We have 16 couples ahead of us - when I checked there were only 7 available couples donating.
EDI never seems to know what I'm talking about when I call or email.  It's like they forget everything we've discussed previously.  Or don't remember who I am.
They never have time for me on the phone.  They spout off info really fast, don't have any time for me to verify anything, and then before I have a chance to say goodbye, they hang up.
They let several days go by in between emails.  They don't even respond to let me know they got what I sent.
Their wait is somewhere between 6-12 months, and there is the possibility that we would get to the top of the list only to have no embryos to choose from.  It's happened before at this clinic.  And would make the wait even longer.

All of this culminates to make me feel...rushed, unimportant, like a side job (not their main focus).  If I contact them for clarity, they make me feel like I'm bothering them and that they are so busy with their current IVF cycle (not adoption cycle) that they won't have time for me until later.

I don't get good vibes.

Plus the Skype call next month is going to cost $400.  That's a lot for an initial consult and to see if we even like the doc.

So...

I called NEDC up in Knoxville, just to see what they sounded like, what their wait times involved, etc.

My phone call was answered right away.
The lady was so kind sounding, didn't rush, and talked to me for half an hour about our triplets, and then adopting Z, and then their process from start to finish.
There is no being penalized for having a child.  The wait is the same for everyone.
They currently have so many embryos at their clinic that there is no waiting time to be matched.
That being said, the process from application to transfer usually takes 8-10 months.
They do require a current home study - which we have.
Their next available initial consult is in August, but we can start the entire process now, apply, send them my records, move forward and have surgery here before August, build our embryo adoption profile, go up in August for the physical exam/mock transfer/lining monitoring, get matched and then transfer.  Possibly all by December, or by February/March worst case scenario.
My clinic here has worked with NEDC, recommended them, and can do all the monitoring pre-transfer locally (covered by insurance).
I believe the clinic is Christian.  They recommend Bethany Adoption for home studies, if their patients don't already have a completed home study.

I definitely get much better vibes from NEDC.

There are two drawbacks.

They are in Knoxville, which is a long drive from South Florida, but that's only 5 hours from my in-laws.  Not that we'd drive back and forth every day, but having family that close by is awesome.

We only get 3 chances to transfer embryos.  If those don't work, we're SOL, at least with NEDC.  Honestly, though, at that point, I think I would say we'd be done trying to adopt embryos.  I don't want to beat a dead horse.

I'm gonna have a long talk with Hubby tonight and see what he thinks about switching.  We haven't paid anything yet to anyone so we're not out any money if we do decide to switch.

I just don't like the attitude from EDI.  And if we're shelling out that much money, I want to feel valued and important and a priority, not like a pain in someone's butt or an annoyance.  I'll drive to Timbuktu to get good care when we're dealing with life, versus staying in-state to avoid the extra travel cost.  Heck, I drove 4 hours each way 4 times a week for doctor and acupuncture appointments up at Womack from South Carolina.  I'm dedicated to doing the best for any embryos given to me, either biologically by God or circumstantially by God.

And EDI, I'm just not feelin' the love from ya at all.

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