Finding Myself Again
>> Sunday, April 29, 2012
NIAW is over now, but I spent some time this week reading a lot of blogs about the topic "Don't Ignore..."and there were a bunch of posts about not ignoring pursuing life, as in don't ignore doing what you love to do.
That happens a lot in infertility, I think.
Infertility is time and emotion and thought consuming. It sucks up everything.
I know that personally I have not pursued other interests because I was often depressed about either our lack of pregnancy or our baby losses and couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to get up off the couch to shower or brush my teeth (sadly, especially after losing E&J&W, my personal hygiene suffered greatly), much less tackle any kind of hobby.
Then there was the potential for taking classes, or however else I might expand my interests, to conflict with treatment schedules or trying to plan around "maybe I'll be pregnant and/or on bed rest next week...next month...next year..." Besides, I was busy with getting my teaching certificate in different states or teaching when I could find a job.
The scheduling bit is not really any different with adoption, even though I am now a full time stay at home mom, without the stress of certification or a paying job.
We can't go on a vacation because we might get "the call" and it'd be kind of hard to deal with a potential match in the early stages of the process if we're in another country or on a boat in the middle of some ocean, etc. Not to mention the panic I would have if we didn't have constant phone or email contact with our agency.
Also, since we are trying to adopt embryos, there is inevitably the same kind of limits with ART in the sense that the potential that I may be going through tests or the FET or be pregnant next month or the month after or the month after or the month after keep me from stepping out and trying things that may interfere with my ability to clear my schedule at a moment's notice.
You get the picture.
Making the entire process even more tricky is that in 6 years of infertility we've lived in 5 different states because we're a military family.
When we haven't been in treatments, we've been trying to establish new patient status with our new primary care physicians (not to mention fertility clinics), dealing with insurance, getting a feel for our new surroundings, packing or unpacking, setting up house, etc.
And all that moving has meant that my support system, outside of my husband, has been long distance. It's why I refuse, once Hubby retires and we can move post-second adoption/etc, to NOT live near people we love.
Between the military and infertility, I feel I haven't done much other than travel extensively in the US. There are only four states (Hawaii, Alaska, North Dakota and Michigan) that I haven't driven through, just to give you an idea. And I'm proud of that. But it's not enough to make me feel very accomplished.
So when my hubby asks me what my hobbies are, I am kind of limited. I know what I used to like to do. I used to like to sew. I used to like to make beaded jewelry. I used to like to read books. I used to like to bake bread from scratch, kneading the dough by hand. I used to love to create.
I'm sure there are other forms of creating that I would like to pursue but either didn't because of lack of resources when I lived in a rural African village growing up, or because in college I was single minded about only taking classes that pertained to my secondary ed major. And as an adult, I've already mentioned the moving and the infertility.
Obviously, there have been a lot of circumstantial roadblocks to my pursuit of hobbies in general. And I, myself, have probably been the biggest one of all.
But no more!
This year, 2012, I want to step out. I want to take risks with my schedule by signing up for a painting class on base. I got an awesome sewing machine from Hubby for my Christmas/birthday present and I want to start making little dresses for Z and purses for me. I've spent time on Pintrest collecting ideas for creating and now I just need to jump in and start cooking and sewing and crafting my heart out.
It's time.
And I know I can do it because I have already started making things over at My Shiny Clean Life and I absolutely love it. I feel a part of me that has been dormant for far too long waking up with the spring weather. And it feels so good.
Who knows? I might just be pregnant and on bed rest next year and not able to take advantage of having only one child to care for, and the scheduling freedom that comes with a small family.
And if I'm not? Then I will have reclaimed a big part of my life that has suffered neglect long enough. And Z will have more dresses than she could ever hope to wear.
:)
That happens a lot in infertility, I think.
Infertility is time and emotion and thought consuming. It sucks up everything.
I know that personally I have not pursued other interests because I was often depressed about either our lack of pregnancy or our baby losses and couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to get up off the couch to shower or brush my teeth (sadly, especially after losing E&J&W, my personal hygiene suffered greatly), much less tackle any kind of hobby.
Then there was the potential for taking classes, or however else I might expand my interests, to conflict with treatment schedules or trying to plan around "maybe I'll be pregnant and/or on bed rest next week...next month...next year..." Besides, I was busy with getting my teaching certificate in different states or teaching when I could find a job.
The scheduling bit is not really any different with adoption, even though I am now a full time stay at home mom, without the stress of certification or a paying job.
We can't go on a vacation because we might get "the call" and it'd be kind of hard to deal with a potential match in the early stages of the process if we're in another country or on a boat in the middle of some ocean, etc. Not to mention the panic I would have if we didn't have constant phone or email contact with our agency.
Also, since we are trying to adopt embryos, there is inevitably the same kind of limits with ART in the sense that the potential that I may be going through tests or the FET or be pregnant next month or the month after or the month after or the month after keep me from stepping out and trying things that may interfere with my ability to clear my schedule at a moment's notice.
You get the picture.
Making the entire process even more tricky is that in 6 years of infertility we've lived in 5 different states because we're a military family.
When we haven't been in treatments, we've been trying to establish new patient status with our new primary care physicians (not to mention fertility clinics), dealing with insurance, getting a feel for our new surroundings, packing or unpacking, setting up house, etc.
And all that moving has meant that my support system, outside of my husband, has been long distance. It's why I refuse, once Hubby retires and we can move post-second adoption/etc, to NOT live near people we love.
Between the military and infertility, I feel I haven't done much other than travel extensively in the US. There are only four states (Hawaii, Alaska, North Dakota and Michigan) that I haven't driven through, just to give you an idea. And I'm proud of that. But it's not enough to make me feel very accomplished.
So when my hubby asks me what my hobbies are, I am kind of limited. I know what I used to like to do. I used to like to sew. I used to like to make beaded jewelry. I used to like to read books. I used to like to bake bread from scratch, kneading the dough by hand. I used to love to create.
I'm sure there are other forms of creating that I would like to pursue but either didn't because of lack of resources when I lived in a rural African village growing up, or because in college I was single minded about only taking classes that pertained to my secondary ed major. And as an adult, I've already mentioned the moving and the infertility.
Obviously, there have been a lot of circumstantial roadblocks to my pursuit of hobbies in general. And I, myself, have probably been the biggest one of all.
But no more!
This year, 2012, I want to step out. I want to take risks with my schedule by signing up for a painting class on base. I got an awesome sewing machine from Hubby for my Christmas/birthday present and I want to start making little dresses for Z and purses for me. I've spent time on Pintrest collecting ideas for creating and now I just need to jump in and start cooking and sewing and crafting my heart out.
It's time.
And I know I can do it because I have already started making things over at My Shiny Clean Life and I absolutely love it. I feel a part of me that has been dormant for far too long waking up with the spring weather. And it feels so good.
Who knows? I might just be pregnant and on bed rest next year and not able to take advantage of having only one child to care for, and the scheduling freedom that comes with a small family.
And if I'm not? Then I will have reclaimed a big part of my life that has suffered neglect long enough. And Z will have more dresses than she could ever hope to wear.
:)
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