6 Years+

Whelp, it's now been more than six years that we've been on our family building roller-coaster.  

Maybe it isn't so obvious, but Z has only increased our desire to have more children - she is just that awesome!  I figure we're about 1/3 of the way there to the number of kids we'd ideally like.

The past six years represent a lot for us.  We've been through so much in that time.  

6+ years is a long time, too.  I've spent one-fifth of my life fighting to build this family.  That's significant.  

And you may think I'm overstating it to always compare infertility and having children to a battle or war, but honestly, overcoming infertility - not letting it or it's path of destruction take me out - is a full time war when you're trying to add to your family.  I have never in my life dealt with anything harder.  And I hope I don't ever have to, either.

What I hope for almost more than anything else is that we will finish this epic saga here in Florida, and when we leave, be able to leave a complete, whole family.

I do not want to have to do a third home study.  I do not want to carry forward the anxiety, the fear, the doubts, the frustration, the waiting, the wondering, the scheming, the plotting, the ups and downs that infertility brings with it into our fresh start as civilians.  

I desperately crave closure in this aspect of my life.  I want to be done.  

Infertility is a huge burden and frankly, I'm tired of carrying it.  It saps a huge amount of my time, my emotions, my strength.  It requires an ungodly amount of restraint to control the damage that infertility can do - and to keep it from consuming every aspect of life.  

Everybody in the world can tell me to let go and just go with the flow, but it is not so easy when you're the one who has to deal with all of the unknowns.  

Not knowing if you will have more kids.  Not knowing if you have the financial resources to have as many kids as you've wanted your whole life - and taken for granted in the past that you could have them.  Not knowing if you will have an interrupted or canceled adoption.  Not knowing if you will just not get pregnant, or will miscarry or will lose a second or full term baby if you go through embryo adoption.  Not knowing if you pursue two family methods at the same time, if you will cause one or the other to fail and fall through.  Not knowing if the financial and emotional risk will pay off.

On this side of it, it can be terrifying.  You don't know if you're throwing your money down a bottomless pit.  You don't know if you're being used.  You don't know how much heartache and heartbreak you are going to have to endure to see your most important dreams come true.  

All you know is that you will go to hell and back for just the chance to be a parent.  

We are blessed.  I know that.  One, because God has maintained our sanity through the last 6 years of craziness.  We really have come through the fire relatively unscathed, considering everything that has happened.  Second, we have Z.  No matter what else happens in the future regarding any other child, we have her.  God and Z, and being able to walk this path with my husband, are what keep me grounded.  

The rest?  It's scary and overwhelming.  And I'm tired of feeling that way.  

And I don't think at the 6+ year mark there is anything wrong with that.  

Remember that never ending marathon Stirrup-Queen talked about?  I am mentally exhausted.  Emotionally, too.

And I've been feeling this way for a while.  

So I was a bit surprised that this was new to Hubby, when it came up in conversation today.  I thought he knew how I felt, but I suppose while I've written it in 10 different posts saved as drafts, I've never actually spoken those words out loud.  

So today I did.  In a flood of tears.  

Last month, we took any further fresh IVFs off the table.  And this month he knows that the next year or two is it for me.  I'll invest that much, I'll fight for that much longer, but after that, unless there is some kind of miracle & God changes me, I'm done with actively pursuing adding more children to this family.  If after that they fall in our lap through God's intervention, I will take them gladly.  I will never close my home to children who need to be here.  But I'm done with the scheming and planning and emotional stress that actively searching requires.  

I want to be free to take vacations with my family instead of worrying if we will miss the all important call for a match if we're gone, or if we can even afford them at all.  I want to be free to dedicate my full time and my full attention to raising my child/ren. I want to be free to invest more time and effort in my marriage.  I want to be free to pursue all my other interests that are on the back burner since starting this journey because of the finances or time or the investment or energy they require.  

It will come - the end to this chapter in our lives.  And when it does, I think I'll be more than ready for the freedom it brings.