I wonder...

Using Hubby's iPad to type this. Pardon the mistakes. This post has gross girl stuff in it. You are warned. The flight to visit Nov Baby's FM was rather uneventful. We got to where we're staying around 2 am. That's when things got interesting. Z wanted nothing to do with the crib and worked herself into a frenzy that included vomiting all over me, the bed, the crib, herself, the floor, etc. Even after cleaning everything up, she was still upset no matter the soothing techniques we tried. Long story short, she ended lying in bed with me while Hubs slept on the couch for 3 hours - we in the bed didn't sleep but at least we were quiet enough for Hubby to get some shut eye. After he left for work, I managed to get Z to sleep in her crib for another three hours, during which I think I slept about an hour. She's taking a nap now, thankfully. I probably should too. Except of course I'm not. Last nights escapades combined with me bleeding again from lifting too much weight - Z plus luggage - during this trip has me thinking thoughts I need to get out of my head. Bright red spotting. And cramping like hell. I hope I haven't done anything too awful to my poor girl bits. So I'm laying as low as I can with a toddler in tow. Makes me wonder though, if I'm absolutely insane to consider trying to get pregnant in whatever way. Because its impossible to lay low right now with only one kid. How about with two, right??? Am I crazy? It's easy to dream big when you feel well, and much easier to see potential physical limitations and/or disaster looming when you aren't. I hate that pregnancy for me may very well mean needing to plan for the worst case scenario. I hate that it makes me feel like I have to choose between reality and deep seeded dreams. I hate that it draws a circle of isolation around me and makes me endlessly chase myself in my head. I hate that it represents a significant gamble. I hate that my chasing my dreams terrifies so many others. And I hate the memories of feeling much like I do now, even when I was blissfully ignorant of the outcome I was facing. Seriously, I feel like I'm pregnant with triplets again. Triplets in the second trimester is comparable to having pretty significant abdominal surgery, in case you were wondering. Mostly like your body is ripping apart from the inside out. The pain & cramps seem the same now & then. And I can imagine very well that this may be how I feel if I ever get pregnant again - miserable. And that scares me. What for so many is one of the most exciting times of their lives is for me a huge source of worry, cautious planning, and potential disaster. I find myself constantly turning to Hubby and asking him if we can do this, if I'm crazy, if we can survive the future no matter what it holds. I'm scrambling for reassurance. I hate the fear and the doubt that I can't do this, have it all. I wonder if this fear should be heeded or if I should brush it aside. After all, I had similar debilitating doubts about adoption and I'm very glad I didn't listen to those. Am I just processing deeper elements of a serious trauma I barely survived? Is this part of a very necessary healing process? Or am I trying to tell myself subconsciously that I'm headed for disaster again? And worst of all, I hate feeling like if I don't try, I will regret it for the rest of my life, but if I go for it and it only ends in more loss, that I will only have myself to blame from this point forward. After all, I knew the risks & still took the plunge. See why sleep eludes me? I think that no matter how we proceed, there are always going to be fears and the potential for regrets. I have never wished for hindsight so badly going into something as big as trying for another baby via pregnancy. And I guess it's easier for me to over analyze this part of life than spend my time worrying about our current adoption in the works. Not that there is much to worry about as we have to wait until November for the baby to be born for papers to be signed. Maybe I just like to worry?