Exactly What I Want

For my 31st birthday, Hubby promised that I could get a tattoo to commemorate our triplets.

I knew what I wanted, for once.  Three flying birds on my right wrist.

For a number of reasons, our babies had become represented by tiny birds throughout the pregnancy, and then especially as we lost them one by one over the course of that fateful Christmas.  Baby birds, birds flying, three eggs; over and over they appeared on covers of books sent, on figurines given, on cards mailed.

For me nothing could represent them better.

But exactly what those birds should look like seemed to elude me.  I wanted something simple and so I played around with sketches and such over the past few months, and occasionally searched Google Images.  But still, I didn't see anything that I wanted to permanently sketch on my body.

Until tonight.

When I found this:

Three tiny birds in flight, on someone's wrist.  Exactly what I was looking for!

So once we get all of this embryo adoption stuff settled, perhaps after pregnancy if we are blessed enough to get to that point, I will go and get my tattoo.

A permanent reminder of my three tiny baby birdies that flew to heaven before I was ready for them to go.

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I don't want new friends

Hubby is on a kick about me needing friends here in this state.

I have remained heartily opposed to the notion.  And I've been successful so far.

I honestly do NOT want new friends.  I know this makes me sound like a jerk, and the opposite of what I should be doing/wanting based on the Bible, but I really don't want to invest in any new person right now.

For starters, relationships take a lot of energy.  New relationships take even more.  And energy, emotional energy, is not something I have a lot of right now.

I don't want to rehash my journey.  I don't want the "I feel so bad for you"s.  I don't want pity.  I don't really want to tell anyone new, other than in this format, about our triplets, adoption, our efforts now.  I don't want to talk about moving or how long I think I'll be here.

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Plans, shlams

Not sure there is a point to making plans any more.

Hubby has a class he has to go to for the next two weeks, which means no art classes for me until the 22nd.  I'm feeling like this art class is going to become what my Joann's decorating class became, a thing I never go to.  :/

Haven't heard anything from EDI lately.  Sent them scanned copies of all of my records from 2007-2009. Waiting for my 2010 records to come from Womack at Ft. Bragg so I can scan and send those on.  I think I broke EDI's email from so many long attachments, lol.

Dealing with headaches from eating dairy this past weekend.  What can I say?  I have a weakness for my husband's homemade nachos.  :D  But I can't afford to be in bed with an awful headache for days at a time afterwards.  I'm going to behave myself from now on.

Haven't been half as productive as I wanted to be this weekend, because of my stupid cheese induced headaches.

I did cook dinner last night, chicken korma curry (sauce was from a jar) which I added chickpeas to.  It was soooo good.  And easy.  I also made Cinnabon cinnamon roll cake using a gluten free Betty Crocker mix.  Not sure where to post my recipes, here or on my clean blog, seeing as the cake was anything but healthy...  Right now my strawberry freezer jam is setting (and sitting) on the counter for 30 minutes before I ladle it into jars and freeze it.

I'm thinking seriously about going vegetarian (not vegan).  Basically stop eating chicken, since that's the only meat I do eat.  The Korma curry would have been just fine with chickpeas and so would have my African stew recipe.

Z is pretty calm today.  Hubby took her for a walk yesterday and Z walked two of the three miles on her own two little legs.  Pretty impressive for a 16 month old!  Then she played on the swings and slides and such afterwards.  She fell asleep while Hubby carried her home and today is still recovering, content to sit by me on the couch, be carried everywhere, and play in her pack'n'play, lol.  She's not complaining or acting like she's in pain, but I think she overdid it a bit.  Crazy kid!

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Still broken

I've been feeling off lately.

It started when my hormones got screwed up with the inevitable fun time of the month that thankfully I only have deal with every three months.  I love continuous birth control for that.  

But ever since then I feel...somewhat sad.  Blue.  Blah.  

It's not circumstantial because I feel at peace with how we're moving forward.  Yes, sometimes the seemingly never ending adoption wait gets to me and drives me a bit batty, but it's not the underlying cause of why I don't feel like myself.

And then it hit me.  It's residual grief.  

As much as I want more children, I desperately want my E, J, and W.  There is a continuous ache inside of me but for the past couple of weeks, that ache has not been as easy to push to the side.  

Lately all I've wanted to do is curl up on the couch and sleep.  It's not possible, thankfully, because I have Z.  She keeps me going.  And is my motivation to get up & engage with people.  When she's awake, I'm devoted to her and taking care of her needs.  

But when she's sleeping, I curl up on the couch.  

Because my heart is still broken.  And nothing can fill the void of the babies I will never hold again in this life.  

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An Accomplished Day

Hold onto your horses because this update is going to be a doozy.

*****

Got my oil changed, and and while doing so, I treated Z and myself to a shopping trip at Salvation Army's 50% off clothing and accessories Wednesday.  Spent $50 and walked out with two big bags of clothes, yet again.  LOVE that store.  And I love my weight loss that allows me to shop in smaller sizes.

*****

Talked to EDI today.

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The Call Back

EDI called me back today!!

Sadly I was changing Z's 4th poopy diaper of the day (blueberries) and even though I ran to my phone, it stopped ringing the second I picked it up.  I tried to call back but the call had been placed after hours, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to call back. Thankfully a message was left for me though.

The gal said she had been trying to email me for a while, but wasn't sure the emails were going through (they're not).  She wanted to let us know she had reviewed our application, tell us how the rest of the process works, talk about timelines, and get some clarification about my blocked left tube.  

So that's where we're at.

I'll call tomorrow and hopefully get to the same person and not have to play phone tag.  

The phone call did sound promising because they want to talk about next steps - not something you do with people you have no intention of working with.  And if my left tube is a problem, I'm willing to go under the knife to have the tube removed entirely.  Obviously that is a last resort, but I know that blocked tubes are a concern for ectopic pregnancies, although I've had 3 IVFs and no ectopics.  Plus that blocked tube is half the reason why we moved from IUIs to IVF in the first place.  

It's been two years since our last IVF so I know that I'll have to undergo extensive testing again.  HSGs, cameras in my ute, blood tests, etc.  No massive hormones, though.  That is such a relief.  I have never been so excited to proceed.

One step at a time.

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Paperwork and other updates

Since it's May 1, I thought I would give a brief overview of the three areas in life where we are trying to patiently wait for answers.


So this retirement thing you keep mentioning??
I haven't written anything about Hubby's supposed retirement because there hasn't been anything to report.  We've just been waiting to hear anything back from anybody.  Then yesterday Hubs got an email saying that the base medical board is meeting this month to determine fitness for duty for all of their piled up medical cases.  They are starting with the oldest first and Hubby's is one of the oldest.  Apparently the reason why we haven't heard anything for several months is that there was a big change in how these medical boards operate and proceed, and our base was waiting for direction from on high.  It would have been nice for them to tell us that, instead of complete radio silence.  Regardless, they now have all of Hubby's paperwork completed, they should make a decision this month or next to forward his paperwork to San Antonio for the formal board, and once all of that is done, we will finally be up to the starting line of the retirement process.  The formal board, once it gets the proper paperwork, is a 6 month or so process.  And then we will have all the fun of out processing after that.  I suppose we could be done with an active duty lifestyle by the end of the year or spring next year.  I really don't know, though, and any dates I spit out are pure speculation.

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