I don't want new friends

Hubby is on a kick about me needing friends here in this state.

I have remained heartily opposed to the notion.  And I've been successful so far.

I honestly do NOT want new friends.  I know this makes me sound like a jerk, and the opposite of what I should be doing/wanting based on the Bible, but I really don't want to invest in any new person right now.

For starters, relationships take a lot of energy.  New relationships take even more.  And energy, emotional energy, is not something I have a lot of right now.

I don't want to rehash my journey.  I don't want the "I feel so bad for you"s.  I don't want pity.  I don't really want to tell anyone new, other than in this format, about our triplets, adoption, our efforts now.  I don't want to talk about moving or how long I think I'll be here.


I don't want to open up but I also know that I am absolutely horrible about not talking about everything when people probe.  I can't keep secrets to save my life and I am a horrible liar.  My emotions read right on my face.

I don't want to explain why I tear up through almost every worship song.

I don't want to get together for coffee.  I don't want to eat lunch out.  I can't eat or drink 99% of what's available anyways.

I don't want to talk about my health or my food allergies.

I don't want to share about my fears or hopes or dreams or how terrified I am that they won't actually come true.

I don't want to hear about people's perfect pregnancies, awesome babies, easy times conceiving, or all the nonsense they spout like we just need to relax, or how blessed we are that our babies are in heaven, or that God knew that we couldn't handle triplets so that's why he took them.

I don't want to waste what little energy I have on people who won't return the favor.  Last time I tried to have friends, I was lied about and humiliated in front of a school staff - stabbed in the back basically.  Last time I tried to have friends, the entire purpose of the relationship I found out, was to get me to try drugs.  You'd think I was talking about high school, but I'm talking only about a year ago.

I'm an introvert and I'm perfectly content to be a homebody.  At least until we move to VA.

Because what I really want are my old friends.  The friends who've been there the whole time, who know the whole story, who don't say stupid hurtful things, who I know have my back and want the best for me no matter what.  Who know how to give me space when I need to be alone, and who push me to get out of the house when I start to become a hermit.  Who pray for us and our future babies, and who remember the horrendous losses we've suffered.  Who celebrate our daughter as if she was one of their own.  Friends who don't judge or call me crazy or beat me over the head with the Bible.  Friends who let me be me, let me feel what I'm feeling, and who don't try to make me something I'm not.

I don't want to start over.  I'm probably leaving in a year or hopefully less.  I am not about trying to collect more friends on Facebook.

But because I love my husband, I will try to humor honor him.  So I'm going back to attending Wednesday night Bible Study at church.

But I'm gonna wear a sign around my neck that says, "Please, don't try to convince me to be your friend."